SATIRE: The Alien Tabloid

Anal Probes- Too much or not enough?

Xeldu, commander of Blartic Secretion Studies, is quoted as saying recently, “The data we are getting [from anal probes] is incredible. I can’t think of better way of getting ahead in the Torlock project”. Others are skeptical, “We have reached the limits of anal probing. These humans are freaking out and they are never going to like us. And its the giraffe that is the real prize anyway. We’re never going achieve full intimate knowledge of organismalism like we did with the Redu colonies. I’ve spoken with the scientists, there is no other way.” In recent weeks opposition voices have forced a revote as the debate intensifies.

Pleasure Rays: Is the Risk Worth the Reward?

Ever since the Matto came forward with the A18 “pleasure maker”, there has been talk of using it on the humans. “We’ve used similar beams before”, cites a Matto product rep. “This is nothing to be concerned about.” However, recent experiments, conducted by the watchdog group HOMO, indicate that we shouldn’t jump to conclusions. “We’ve observed Homo sapiens humping just about everything, even when the beam is set to its lowest pluon levels”, cites Shar, a company spokesman, “There’s concern that we’re leaving them depleted of precious jelly-fluids. The real issue though is sexual frustration. You can’t take a porn addled mind and hit it with a boron beam straight to the skull. They pop so quick they don’t even enjoy it!” Ever since the Coidoo orgoasmic disaster in the Tempeca system there have been strict guidelines on pleasure beam use. “You can lose your mind if you are not careful. I think we all know that by now.”

Human Hybrid Project Runs Afoul

“These dogs are fucked up” complains one human. “Some are the size of rats, others won’t shut the fuck up.” It seems that their program emphasized marketability and convenience, leaving other factors, like health and mental capacity, in the dust. “It’s a disaster” comments Illach, board member at the genetic programing club of Mt. Chuulu, “I think they confused real animals with stuffed animals. Their work is terribly sloppy.”

With names like Cancer Canines, Hipless Hounds, Breathless Bulldogs, and Dismental Mutts, it’s clear that the future of Canis lupus does not look good if current trends continue. “I want to abduct them all just to stop cringing. It’s the human equivalent of listening to ‘who let the dogs out’ on repeat while you are forced to wear one of those goofy dog costumes and play “catch” with rich kids during their birthday.’, said board member Illach.

Sayings of Zorloft

‘The Lazy Are Always Busy’

‘Wisdom is the Lever Arm of Potential’

‘Melt your Money into your Imagination’

‘If You Hope Then You Doubt’

‘Extended space travel makes better medullary symstimulo buddies’


The Alien Tabloid is tired and confused by all this damn humanoid madness. Comments by the humanoids are welcome at [email protected]

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