Torture Report from White-Collar Inmate at Minimum Security Vermont Prison

– Thread count for bed linens is unnervingly low.


– 7 A.M. wake-up throws me off my circadian rhythm.


– Seasonal vegetables in the quiche-of-the-day are unevenly distributed.


– Kitchen staff is unreceptive to constructive criticism.


– Clients keep sending me angry, profanity-laced messages. (I don’t think the Madoff comparisons are quite fair. I would have gotten their money back at some point.)


– Water pressure in shower leaves something to be desired.


– Cable package doesn’t carry HBO Go.


– Barbells are far too heavy. (Where are all the six-pound weights?)


– Wi-Fi signal rarely achieves more than three bars.


– Commissary can’t break fifty dollar bills (or hundreds, for that matter).


– Jumpsuits seem to be made of some sort of poly/cotton blend.


– Nicknamed “Slider,” even though I’m 5’4’, which is the average male height in countries like Malaysia and Vietnam.


– Frequently picked last for basketball games (even after I told them I played JV in prep school)


– Wife won’t return any of my calls.


– Lending library carries no Ayn Rand titles.



Ravi Mangla played Little League until the age of twelve. He wanted to
play shortstop, but the coach made him play centerfield, which is where
they put the uncoordinated kids, but he refuses to believe he was a bad
player, merely undervalued. Follow him on Twitter: @ravi_mangla.

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