After months of rigorous planning, we are proud to announce the opening of our new juice bar. We use only the highest quality organic produce, delivered each morning from a locally-owned family farm. So once you’ve finished being stretched across a wagon wheel or scorched with searing hot branding irons, we invite you to cool down with a healthy and refreshing beverage.

Some of the inaugural offerings include our Green Eggs and Ham juice, which replaces the aforementioned eggs and ham with cucumber, parsley, and kale. (And unlike some juice bars, we don’t skimp on the kale!) The Green Eggs and Ham is an especially fruitful selection for those who have lost significant amounts of blood, either internally or through external orifices. Add a shot of wheatgrass to your order for only two more dollars.

The Beets in the Belfry (a favorite among the dungeon staff) is a slightly sweeter juice that will leave you feeling bright and rejuvenated. The beets and apples are the same ones we use to assail captives in the pillory. A smidgen of raw ginger gives it that extra kick. It’s so delicious you’ll forget you were condemned for heresy. (Even customers who have had their tongues cut out can detect the robust flavors.)

All of our equipment is professional grade, which ensures that no nutrients are sacrificed during the juicing process. Each drink on the menu is 100% organic and GMO-free. We use no artificial sweeteners or coloring agents. Our drinks aren’t diluted with prepackaged juices, fruit nectars, or human tears.

Geoffrey, our chief executioner (and proud CIA graduate), is a maestro in the kitchen. Tell him what base ingredients you’d like drawn and quartered and he’ll concoct a custom beverage at no additional charge. Just look for the hooded fellow holding a battle axe.

Stop by the juice bar on our opening weekend and receive a free ginseng boost with your order. And don’t forget to pick up a punch card on your way out. All you have to do is withstand twelve punches for our burly young apprentice and your next juice is on us!

Ravi Mangla is an American science fiction thriller directed by John Woo
and starring John Travolta and Nicolas Cage. Travolta, an FBI Special
Agent, assumes the physical appearance of his nemesis, Cage, in order to
prevent the detonation of a biological weapon. Mangla, which was nominated
for an Academy Award in Sound Effects Editing, went on to gross $245 million
worldwide.