Did you build that tunnel for Guzmán? How did you fit in it?

A rich man fits in his car. A rich man fits in his house. I can fit in ANY car. I can fit in ANY house. Do you have an idea of how spectacularly rich I am?? And Chapo is rich. And, so of course, ergo, ho, ho, I love Chapo. Right now we’re deep in discussions with Televis and Azteca regarding a Mexican Celebrity Apprentice show featuring me and Chapo. Every episode will end with me firing someone and then Chapo strangling them. As thecredits roll you’ll either see a head dumped in a plaza or a body hanging from abridge. Again, I love the Mexican people and I know how to deal with them! And come to Cancun with me, Clare, where we’ll snorkel and roll around in the great white sands. And swim together in Cenotes. And visit ancient sites where heads really rolled.  Play your cards right, Clare, and you might be in the mix for VP !!

What are YOUR war hero stories?

I masturbated a goat on a boat once. We were surrounded by Mexicans. I put them to work. Forced them to build a casino. A boat in the center of it to carry my hair out through the stars.

Can you rape stars in matrimony???

I enervated a cricket once. It was covered with gold. I melted it down and built into a babbling political speech.

I am so dammed rich! Behold my bayonet I’ll stab China over and over.

My eyes are filled with fortune cookies.

They all say “Vote For Me!!!!” And why not??? All the birds. Every last one!!

How was last night’s debate?

Oh, boy.

A bunch of clowns. Trump the big loser. lots of God talk.

I was the big winner of course. And the richest guy on stage on far.

I was attached by women. And I was attacked by men. Pigs and pigs. But I stood firm
 and gored all the thighs of truth. Because the American people love me. And the
 Nexicans love me. And the pigs love me.

And I was the champion Boar with the bestest hair by far. And I was carried off with
 a golden apple in my mouth.

I made a couple of Walt Whitman allusions. A couple of nods to John Berryman. But
 nobody noticed. I bet all those losers is Billy Collins. sighhhhhhhhh

And when I'm president. And when I'm president I will roam the woods of the world
 sniffing out the truffles.

And then look for me in your pots. I will feed you all through eternity. Use my hair
 as a garnish!!!

What are you doing in Mexico? I thought you hated the place!

did I mention that I love the Mexican people.
Not that I go to Candy's, of course. No, never.
And I love their spirit. Walking along the boardwalk I'm amazed at all the
enterprising locals offering to sell me things: Tequilas, Jungle Tours, Silver
Earrings, Marijuana, Wigs, Pipes, Rape Kits, Knives, Guns, Bleach, Rope, Gags, etc.S
And then of course I always like to pop in to the "Border Crossing Recruitment
Store." I like to go in, incognito, and say things like "I'm a rapist, is that ok??"
and "I'm a murderer, is that ok??" and they're always like "Si, Senor, you are
exactly the type we are looking to send to the U.S."
And, Clare, while I respect their hustle and hard work this sort of thing has to stop.
As soon as I become president I'm going to sit down with Chapo and Mexico's
president (what was his name again?) and talk about priorities. Like why don't we
put all these Mexican hoodlums to work. Like building resorts, golf courses and
Casinos. Be with me, Clare, be with me. 

Sent from my iPhone