Rich Old White Men in Alleyways Pouring Tea Over Their Privates: Gary Johnson

Hey there, teh Gary Johnson, how much you loves America?

all the whales and hay bales. all the dogs and cogs. all the red badgers in the carrot fields. I have traveled

this country far and wide, without any Bush, I have listened to the people in the wind. I love this country like


a Whitman bird. there is no death in my campaign. (only applies to America)

and, i don’t understand why you’d ask me such a bullshit question when Kim Kardashian’s assistant is finally

talking out.  (Aleppo ?  a colony ?)

legalise all the weed?

Honestly. and come over to my house with your thighs in swings. We’ll paint the white house green. We’ll bud the halls and curling bong the warped ol’ walls. We’ll eat our way through the Capitol. statues, you have no chance! Memorials, Lincoln (apes!), we are gonna munchy you up.  (burp!   giggles.   shits.)

where you meet your friends?

Sturgis. Anchorage. This place in Mexico where for $5 you can get your picture taken on an experienced donkey. The old man who operates the donkey is a really interesting chap. He’s got an old dog too. One time i saw them chasing iguanas down on the beach. We kissed in the surf. We flirted with and trumpeted the decapitations (o, did i say that ??  it’s soooo bad for tourism, ya know).

Facebook—    my kingdom for a Facebook steed. It knows how to breed!

is it over? or are you headstrong? being the best?

speaking of Basho, Kim’s assistant says:   “But not to worry. We’ve called upon a bunch of morons and yours truly to serve up some exclusives. Stay tuned for new posts and app takeovers.”

She’s not just an assistant, she’s a very close friend, a confidant. Like a monster on a cathedral wall. America,

give suck to the thighs and buttocks! Green’s everywhere. Oozing all about us.

You can steal a big rock, plop in a pond, but you’ll never get all the fuent milk.   Raaaaaa!!!!

none Nike sponsorship?


no, but Hallmark, Walmart and The Academy (ahem) of American Poets are coming up with a line of t-shirts and mugs with buds and quotes. This is a great movement, you see. Alec Baldwin, i hear, is going to be doing me on next week’s SNL. and i’ll be in a yellow raincoat. and i’ll be in a red wagon. and i’ll be coming over the mountain top. bring your own guides, kids. it’s gonna be crRRazzzyyyyyyy.

all cricket, all the time?? 

teh bestest model of all civilized bullshit? (Orwell shooting an elephant??)  yeah, sure .   1000%.    with Demi Moore, of course. And no fines for over-rates.  None!!       Greenery = Finery.      #voTe4me

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