Oprah Dissolves Congress and is Declared Queen, February 2021

A verse drama

Oprah, President:

Reflecting on the neglect of this body
over lo these ignominious years
I, returning to previous tradition,
do, with wise counsel of the Queen Consort
Gayle and Prince never-regnant Stedman
Dissolve this body which drunken
by an orange ghoul has shown derelict duty
a shame on this body and its august past.

Minority Leader McConnell:

Madame President surely you consider
That there is no precedent for this in our land
You have won a vast majority of the vote
and tales of your favorite things
do enliven the sad lives of our long-suffering people
But here you attempt to dissolve
a body that gave birth to the laws of this nation.


Durst you think I come here without the heart of my people?
Chide-worthy turtle! You are a carbuncle
on the posterior of this great nation
The cries of the weary and poor scream to heaven
to see you laid low. This body is no more.
Leaders Schumer and Pelosi, stand back
Though we have shared convivial agreements before
I come for a higher task. Anointed with most sacred Agave Syrup
I arrive as President Madame, shall leave as Queen.

Speaker Pelosi:

Madame President, sister in arms in the old war
against the Orange Sin of our countrymen
and the groping perversions of the debased,
surely you understand this goes too far.
You propose to undo the loom work of this nation
which while far from perfect has proved the best experiment
to govern the unworthy and worthy masses
from the flaming hills and douchey cities of California
to the angry, panther-riding drunks of fruitfullest Florida.


Melanin-less Duchess of San Francisco, though your cities
are unliveable and expensive where hordes of Google buses
disrupt your neighborhoods to joyless oblivion,
Think not that this my ascent does not include your gracious person.
I shall reign, you shall govern at my side as Chief Councilwoman
and together, we shall make of this vast and sloppy nation
a patchwork quilt of great glory.


Popular voice ascents to this our dual-reign and now that Weinstein and Trump
are sent away to some dolorous Island of torment
we shall reunite what Queen Mother Hillary failed to tie.
Our pantsuits shall gleam in the free sun
of battlefield and court as a sign that it is time for men to just give it a rest already
and not be such gilded assholes in tavern and inn. I come to you with arms open,
a billionaire’s humble entreaty
May we leave as dual conquerors? Answer plain.

As I am head of this body, third in line
to what we now renown as the old throne
I do ascent to this dissolution for a higher seat.
Call out gentlemen and women of this body
still weary from the late battles of Trumpland
which, as the bards tell us,
was just the absolute fucking worst.
We long to be ruled to be free.
Hail Queen Oprah! Long may you rule!

(aside) though your counselors Drs. Oz and Phil
shall never see their huckster bodies
come anywhere near these hallowed halls

Come Queen, Come! Address your people!
We shall crown you with a MAGA hat
Papered over with most sacred words
from Alice Walker’s The Color Purple.
Strike the alarum! Come!

Exeunt in triumph

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