Really, you should read all of the Underground Funnies posts, but if I had to pick 10 to travel back in time to kill Baby Hitler (through laughter, of course), these would be the 10:
10. WHO ATE IT BETTER? Sylvia Plath vs. The Sarlacc Pit by Evan Johnston
Welcome to the sandy planet of Tatooine, or more likely the sleeping mind of an addled lit major. Today, two titans of the literary world, Sylvia Plath and the Sarlacc Pit face each other in affair of honor: the eating competition.
9. A Proposal to the NRA, re: Ending Police Brutality by Morgan Jerkins
(From our series, The Blue Blues a Satirical Clapback Against Police Terror)
…teach a negro how to shoot a terrorizer in the kneecaps, giving said negro enough time to run, get back into his car, and drive off into the distance. You state that you specialize in civilian education and have over 55,000 certified instructors around the country. Let them flex their skill and teach black people how to bear arms with accurate precision, not to kill, oh heavens no. Teach ‘em how to shoot trigger happy cops in the ass, like Tupac did or in the ankles to slow them down.
8. EIGHT REASONS THE POETS FANTASY FOOTBALL LEAGUE TURNED UGLY by Dave Housely
USE YOUR ALLUSION had a sestina in the Best of the Net 2014 anthology, and everybody knows the TROCHEES and LEVEON BELL JAR think sestinas are bullshit.
7. Speak American: Building a Better Country One Word at a Time by Tara Campbell
1) trump (v) – a) to pointlessly insert misogynistic, xenophobic or sophomoric content into a discussion.
A: Man, the boss sure asked some hard questions at my presentation. She must be on her period.
B: Dude, why you gotta trump?
6. Creative Writing Graduate Student Who Loves Pumpkins Laments the Publication of “It’s Decorative Gourd Season, Motherfuckers” on McSweeney’s by Nate Logan
Stupid, stupid, stupid. I can’t write anything about pumpkins now—I’ll just look like I’m riding the coattails of this guy. Or the pumpkin vines, I should say. They put the title on a mug and everything and who knows how many people are reminded every morning with their coffee that someone who’s not me has written a hilarious piece that involves pumpkins. Not to mention the seasonal factor. Every year turkey time rolls around, people will remember this piece. I’m screwed. Totally screwed.
5. Police Report: Officer Fleming vs. Mr. Cuddlebottoms by David Himmel
(From our series, The Blue Blues a Satirical Clapback Against Police Terror)
HE SUSPECT TOOK A FEW STEPS TOWARD ME TO WHERE I WAS ABLE TO GRAB HIM. UPON MAKING CONTACT, THE SUSPECT HISSED AND SQUIRMED IN MY ARMS. THE SUSPECT THEN SCRATCHED MY LEFT HAND. THE SCRATCH BROKE THE SKIN AND DREW BLOOD. THE INJURY CAUSED ME TO LET LOOSE MY GRASP OF MR. CUDDLEBOTTOMS WHO FELL TO THE GROUND LANDING ON HIS FEET. HE TURNED BACK AND HISSED AT ME. AT THIS POINT, DUE TO THE REPEATED THREATENING BEHAVIOR FROM THE SUSPECT AND THE SCRATCH ON MY LEFT HAND, WHICH WAS APPROXIMATELY TWO CENTIMETERS LONG AND HAD A RED APPEARANCE, I DETERMINED THAT THE SUSPECT WAS DANGEROUS AND THAT I, ALONG WITH THE OWNERS AND APPROXIMATELY FIVE OTHER BYSTANDERS WERE IN IMMEDIATE DANGER.
4. Yo Daddy So White by Abdel Shakur
Yo Daddy so white, he takes selfies at cross burnings.
3. #BlackLivesMatter: The Movie [As Edited for the Big Budget Hollywood Remake] by James R. Gapinski
(From our series, The Blue Blues a Satirical Clapback Against Police Terror)
Ask a black person to write and/or direct the film. [Edit: Ask a self-righteous white person to write and/or direct the film. Maybe get the white guy who wrote this piece to do it, he seems self-righteous enough. Or see if the woman who wrote The Help is available; people would pay to see that. If a black person is hired as a last resort, make damned sure that all backers, promoters, and crew are white. We’re not making a Tyler Perry film here, so white people need to be heavily involved, otherwise forget about an Oscar nomination for “Best Picture.”]
2. Enhanced Interrogation Techniques of America by Anthony Michael Morena
(From our series, The Blue Blues a Satirical Clapback Against Police Terror)
In large urban detention areas around the country, local law enforcement personnel have been instrumental in administering the program, and have contributed many of the program’s most innovative techniques: toilet plunger introduction, airway restrictions, neglecting to properly restrain detainees in rapidly accelerating and decelerating vehicles, withholding medical assistance, and indiscriminate use of firearms to name just a few. While the goal of the program is for subjects to experience a sense of “learned helplessness”—a state of depressed, coericble, passivity—an added benefit of the program is that once detainees are aware that they can be subject to an enhanced interrogation at any time or place, many of them effectively begin to self-interrogate.
1. Your Daily Imminent Demise Horoscopes by Alyssa Sorresso
Leo- If you’re feeling a little congested today, it might be because Mercury’s in retrograde and you’re in a coma. Channel that innate optimistic nature of yours and try keeping your chin up! That’s the best way to get through your last few days without choking on your own sputum.
Honorable Mentions:
Mid-Season Pitch: "Pinto & Pinto" by Simon Pinkerton
Welcome to the Torture Chamber, Now with a Juice Bar! by Ravi Mangla
The Female Protagonist Argues With the Angry Ghost Lady by Katy Koop
This is much, much, MUCH better than last year’s list.
Have a hilarious 2016 from the Underground Funnies Team!
(The Ghost of ODB, The Ghost of Richard Pryor, The Ghost of Mark Twain, Rion Amilcar Scott*)
*Not his ghost. Yet.