When Climate Change Kicks the Crap Out of Human Civilization
God, I’ll miss Shakespeare and Mozart. And Brent Musburger’s gambling tips. And Mitch McConnell’s charming chin. Also, that drum part in that one Phil Collins song. I’ll miss all that stuff after climate change destroys, like, everything.
What I’ll miss about civilization…
25- Burning fossil fuels like a boss
24- The Red Bull and wiper fluid special at the Gulf Mart
23- California (ya know, before it was burned to the ground)
22- Using a plastic bag in a town that has banned them and feeling like an outlaw
21- Water treatment plants
20- Sparking a Yankee Candle after a tough day at the office.
19- Florida (ha…just kidding about this one)
18- Living large at Applebee’s. You know how we roll, sipping on bottomless refills of Diet Mountain Dew and making it rain with all-you-can-eat riblets
17- Believing that banning plastic straws would do something
16- Memes, especially that one of the guy who is looking at the girl while the other girl gets mad at him. You know what one I mean?
14- Paying random strangers a few bucks to drive me around in their car
13- Vaping some Blueberry Bomb and pretending it’s not as addictive as cigarettes
12- The pride of being a Swiftie when that meant something
11- Throwing a plastic bottle in the trash and promising I’ll start recycling, for real this time, tomorrow
10- Law and order (before government crumbled and life began resembling the desperation of people looking for their correct shoe size in the chaos of the Kohl’s shoe department)
8- Pounding out some reps, jumping on a bike, and then chugging a half-dozen Michelob Ultras
7- Telling my daughter to follow her dreams, that the future looks bright
6- Weekends spent binge watching some Netflix show that Joe in accounting told me to watch
5- Cardboard from Amazon orders
4- Throwing stuff in the back of my F-150 and hauling it all over the goddamn place
3- Complaining that the “Game of Thrones” finale was the worst thing to ever happen in the history of humanity and that nothing could surpass the pain and suffering it caused
John Crawford is a writer and editor in the Boston area. His work has appeared in The Threepenny Review, The Smart Set, Points in Case, and Barren. He can be found on Twitter, @crawfordwriter, where he writes semi-amusing, very depressing missives about climate change.