Red Ed ruined the chances of MY Labour Party in the general election, positioning it way to the left of the middle England market. Red Ed? More like Really Red Ed. Or even Really, Really Red Ed.

His six point plan for a better future was nothing more than bloody collectivisation. All six point plans and suchlike smack of idiocy.

Here’s my six point plan for Labour to move forward

1.       More austerity. Really, Really Red Ed failed to match the Tories on austerity. I’m intensely relaxed about ridding us of this whole ‘welfare state’ thing.

2.       More mugs. I’m drinking from this one right now

3.       Knives and forks. Only Mao would eat a sandwich like this

The markets prefer a bloody knife and fork

4.       Really, Really Red Ed was committed to keeping Trident. This isn’t Communist China! He should’ve committed to building at least seventeen more Tridents.

5.       Really, Really Red Ed supported TTIP. And yet not once did he mention privatising the air our subjects breathe. This isn’t the bloody Khmer Rouge!

6.       While the target of ‘net zero global emissions in the second half of this century’ was ambitious for businesses, really we need to push this Bolshie idea along a bit. Let’s aim for net zero global emissions by 4018 or so.

7.       Even the name of the Labour Party seems a bit off. I propose renaming it the Capital Party.