If Noel Gallagher Had A Valid Point of View, Would People Even Buy His Records?

Noel Gallagher has always loved slagging off others to sell records. It’s all part of the master plan. Steal from The Beatles, be bigger than Jesus, and then spit on the little people.

It was almost like old times when recently, Noel Gallagher needed to have An Opinion to get people to buy his tepid disco record. It’s as though he can’t let the music speak for itself. Back in the nineties, he went in for the challenging targets like Blur; the biggest rivals to his crown. Now he’s taking easy pot-shots in the same direction as most British tabloid newspapers. Jeremy Corbyn, one of the most smeared politicians in the history of the universe. Babies are being born right now that have the cultural gravitas involved in spouting the line about Corbyn being the lovechild of Trotsky and Khrushchev. Gallagher is hardly breaking any taboos by calling Corbyn ‘Captain Fishy,’ or a student debater. Definitely maybe, Noel is getting feeble in his old age. But, Corbyn has had a lot worse thrown at him. And if it was a choice of Oasis reforming, or Corbyn becoming PM, Jeremy would probably rather let Boris keep Number Ten for as long as he likes, ‘cos “their music’s shite and it keeps him up all night.”

It’d all be different if Corbyn did ever become Prime Minister, and invited him round for tea as Tony Blair did. A policy built on re-nationalisation perhaps wouldn’t be a problem to Noel if there were vol-au-vents on offer.

Maybe the truth lies in the fact that Jeremy Corbyn got a better reception at Glastonbury than he ever has or will. Jeremy Corbyn is a man who has sat down to try and negotiate peace with all kinds of scary people. Noel can’t even get on with the boy he shared Meccano with forty years ago.

And then, with one eye on the opinion polls, this plastic Macca wannabe, with all the charisma of a Greggs steak bake, turned his focus onto Brexit. “Go for the fifty-two percenters, our kid” the voice in his head was saying. And then it came, the call to arms for all the middle-aged, Tommy Robinson-loving, straight-talkers; a hard hit in the ribs for the remoaners, who were probably all Blur fans anyway. Noel thinks that Brexit will be fine. And, if you have any concerns about the UK playing Russian roulette, then you should go live in North Korea because having worries is undemocratic.

Let’s remind him that Bro-xit didn’t go so well, and sometimes stronger together is better. Neither him, not his Lennon-wannabe-brother have had the kind of solo success they had in Oasis. They both clutch at gobby soundbites, looking back in anger, instead of making great music. It turns out Bonehead was the real backbone of Oasis anyway.

Just like that weedy kid that smells of wee in school who always went and hid behind the biggest bullies before shouting his abuse; Noel proved yet again that he has as much spine as he has musical originality. His bland attempt at ripping off Nile Rodgers got far less airtime than his blabbering about Jeremy Corbyn while hiding behind the UKIPers.

As another flaccid Noel Gallagher EP looms, climate change is nothing to worry about, Liam is still a bigger jerk than Noel, and Jeremy is still a commie. Some might say he should change the record, but the next one will be even less inspiring. His inability to acquiesce to the fact that he’s lost it will keep him blabbering on forever.

Peter Wyn Mosey is a writer based in Wales.
Medha Singh is music editor at Queen Mob's Teahouse, and a researcher for The Raza Foundation. She functions as India Editor for The Charles River Journal, Boston. She is also part of the editorial collective at Freigeist Verlag, Berlin. Her first book of poems, Ecdysis was published by Poetrywala, Mumbai in 2017. She took her M.A. in English literature from Jawaharlal Nehru University, New Delhi and studied at SciencesPo, Paris through an exchange program, as part of her interdisciplinary master’s degree. She has written variously on poetry, feminism and rock music. Her poems and interviews have appeared widely, in national and international journals. Her second book is forthcoming. She tweets at @medhawrites from within the eternal eye of the New Delhi summer.

Image: Noel Gallagher in 2012 by Christopher Johnson via Wikimedia Commons (cc).

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