Hello, and welcome to “Ask Avant,” a new feature in the Tea House, where I, Avant Garcia, third place winner of my 7th grade science fair and full-time internet persona, will respond to your questions about love, life, and the cosmic order of the universe.
Bestowed with the wisdom of the Council of Hedgehogs and dwelling deep within the center of consciousness (Little Rock, Arkansas), I will be your guide on a tour of alternate realities, and I’ll also give you some quick and easy tips on how to make the perfect quiche.
Ashley from Nebraska/Kentucky/the outer edges of consciousness writes:
@QueenMobs Can you guys run an advice column called “Weird Lessons” in which you advise the rest of us losers on how to get weirder? kthx
— Ashley Strosnider (@bravenewlady) January 5, 2015
Simple enough, Ashley! If you want to get weird, all you have to do is follow these ten easy steps.
Step 1: Walk into the middle of a field, dig a small hole, and whisper every curse word you know into the ground. Cover the hole. In the Spring, when a tree grows in that spot, pick the largest fruit from its branches.
If the fruit is a lemon: use its juice to write a poem about the first time you realized your parents lied to you.
If the fruit is a lime: make guacamole.
Step 2: Read the collected works of Karl Marx while wearing a fake beard. If you find yourself mildly aroused, skip ahead to Step 7.
Step 3: Create a golem out of gingerbread. When he comes to life, talk to him about how frivolous existence is. He’ll have some interesting insights, I promise.
Step 4: An ivory-billed woodpecker alights on your desk. It seems to be winking at you. What’s it saying? Lean in closer.
It was a trick. The woodpecker just wanted to nip your ear. Bow respectfully to the woodpecker who has outsmarted you.
Step 5: Accept that everything you hold to be reality is an illusion, except that Chandler is the best character on Friends. No-one can deny that.
Step 6: Skip to Step 8.
Step 7: Go back to Step 3.
Step 8: Go back to Step 2.
Step 9: How did you even get here? You’re not supposed to be here.
Step 10: Don’t listen to me. Make/take your own advice.
If you need advice, feel free to tweet your questions to @Queenmobs or @AvantGarcia.