SATIRE: An Immodest Proposal

Frickin’ Snip ‘Em

So that we are all on the same page, saving all the babies and liberating men from the endless demands women make, the countless hours of unpaid, unrecognized childcare they provide, and the odious, never ending responsibility of telling women what to do, here is my immodest proposal:

How about for those who might otherwise cause unwanted pregnancy, we enforce the use of the least expensive, least invasive, most healthy, most effective form of birth control?

That’s right — let’s require all males to have vasectomies! We’ll be sure it’s 100% cost free for all because then no more killing babies.

I know what you’re thinking and wholeheartedly agree, this really, really doesn’t feel fair; it is true that women have never received universal, no cost, highly effective, healthy, and side-effect free birth control.

No? Well then let’s get back to talking about you. How can the never ending, tedious work of saving babies be made easier for you?

It’s simple: No one can kill a baby who has never been made and you can define baby however you like.

But, I’ll bet a lot of you will find surgery on your reproductive anatomy distasteful, invasive, potentially painful or life altering.

Am I hearing you say, “This is my body, my right to choose!”?

I think you’re missing something. Listen up — I’m going to explain: Life is life. All life is sacred. All life. But just, ahem, not so much yours.

Are you really too selfish to understand that?

And yet, I would hardly be American without deferring to the inalienable rights of your vas deferens, so just frickin’ skip it and use condoms.

Risking killing a baby really isn’t so bad after all?

I hear your frustration. Poor, poor you. Back when America was great you only had to think about yourself.

Perhaps I can make this even easier: Just frickin’ zip ’em; keep your pants on and your legs in whatever position it takes.

Not working for you? Better adjust because part two: Men who cause an unwanted pregnancy are solely responsible.

Yes. You. Re-spon-si-ble. Google it.

I know being held re-spon-si-ble for your own reproductive capacity in a way that takes other people into account may seem twisted and perverse but the truth is half of humanity has, often in the worst of circumstances, done this with aplomb for all of human history.

You, my man, are a hero and a baby saver. Right?

So, have you thought about baby’s needs for education, health care, a clean and relatively cool environment? Uh-oh. Your pro-life journey may be considerably longer than you have anticipated.

Nevertheless, rest assured, your sweet little paternal sacrifices will not go entirely unnoticed what with the typical weight gain. Just please, no daddy jeans.

However, as you well know or at least astutely suspect, I am all about choice. Therefore, you may avoid domestic drudgery by choosing instead a minimum nine month incarceration as punishment for the blatant immorality of losing control of your reproductive capacity. Prison is, after all, more of a guy thing.

You know what they say, “bro’s before ho’swork.”

Not so much?

Sweetheart, don’t get so emotional. You’ll get used to all this by your third, maybe fourth child, and I’m sure your partner will pitch in when she has time and inclination.

Not weekends — she’s golfing.

Margaret Ruth Fleming believes the way to honor life is to empower women. She loves her idiosyncratic family, the outdoors – especially anywhere untouched by the grubby hands of humanity, compulsive gardening, her rescue cat and therapy dog, and her new little “doxie pit” Clover, who tirelessly inspires pursuit of therapy. She has published in the Elephant Journal and the Minnesota Women’s Press.

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