1. The Unbearable Torment That Is Life

2 oz vodka

2 oz gin

3 oz cranberry juice

2 oz grapefruit juice

1 oz sour cherry juice

1 cherry

 

Combine all liquids together over ice in a cocktail shaker. Pour into highball glass and

top with cherry. Throw glass at full force onto tile floor.

 

2. The Soccer Mom

1 Capri Sun, any flavor

6.75 oz Jack Daniels

Poke straw into hole and drain Capri Sun into sink. Using complicated network of

funnels, pour whiskey into emptied pouch in full, shameless view of your husband and

children. Serve with YoCrunch and Kudos bar.

 

3. Sunday Dinner

4 oz red wine

6 oz chicken gravy or roast drippings

 

Combine and serve in highball glass. Do not stir, do not make eye contact with Them.

 

4. Sexual Frustration on the Beach

6 oz lemon juice

5 oz lime juice

splash KY jelly

 

Mix and pour into margarita glass rimmed with sand. Serve alongside worn paperback

copy of Twilight.

 

5. No Rest For the Wicked

2 oz tears you wish she didn’t see you cry

2 oz blood that pumps through your veins because you are a human being

1 oz love letters, torn to bits smaller than your remaining self-respect

2.5 oz Grand Marnier

ice

 

Place ice into a cocktail shaker. Pour in ingredients, cover, and shake vigorously until

the outside of the cocktail shaker has frosted. Serve in the lipstick stained cup she left

behind to taunt you.

 

6. Misleading Gluten-Free Drink

2 oz bagel

2 oz wheat toast

2 oz cake flour

 

Mix and serve in a bread bowl.

*

Jean-Luc Bouchard has never been hugged but it sure sounds nice. He
grew up in the Granite State and now lives in the Empire State, and he just
needs one more state to win the game of Bingo he's been playing with his
dog. He can be unfollowed @jlucbouchard and his MS Paint manifestos are
taped to the refrigerator wall at jeanlucbouchard.com.