Your Daily Imminent Demise Horoscopes

Leo- If you’re feeling a little congested today, it might be because Mercury’s in retrograde and you’re in a coma. Channel that innate optimistic nature of yours and try keeping your chin up! That’s the best way to get through your last few days without choking on your own sputum.


Virgo- Today will feel a bit off kilter with the moon in Scorpio, but it’s mostly because you’re about to have a brain aneurysm. If you can work through the slurred speech and possible seizure, this might be a good time to have a serious talk with yourself. In any case, just be prepared for the “worst headache of your life.”


Libra- You’re usually so flashy and charismatic, and you’ll feel even more electrified when you are struck by lightning this evening. Take advantage of the crackling atmosphere by hanging out on the metal porch of a tall building or swimming in a large body of water. Look for the silver lining as you face those storm clouds head on!


Scorpio- Don’t ruffle any feathers, stubborn Scorpio, unless you still think you’re “right,” of course. Whatever the conflict is will be put to rest with a bullet in your head. The wise man once said, “Don’t leave your gun in an unlocked cabinet where your ex can find it.” Today it’s too true!


Sagittarius- There was drama yesterday with your slip and fall accident. As is your resilient nature, you walked away relatively unscathed…with the exception of a pesky scratch on your arm that let in a serious staph infection. In a week, you’ll be flyin’ high with a 105 degree fever followed by a sudden stroke! It’s really the little things that count.


Capricorn- Hunka-burnin’ love, Capi! The flame of romance touches you in all the right places tonight, especially after you fall asleep while smoking again. You’ll feel a fire burning in your heart once it eats away your clothes, skin and muscle. This blaze of love will consume you in about 2-12 minutes, no matter how much you want to extinguish it. Hubba hubba!


Aquarius- Things have been super intense lately, and what better way to relieve stress than with a relaxing bike ride along a busy highway. Someone else is pretty relaxed as well, with a .08% blood alcohol level, and you two will soon collide like hormone-driven teenagers. It’ll be a true meeting of the minds via the wheels of a 4×4 Hummer, and you’ll never be the same.


Pisces- Today it feels like you just can’t catch a breath. Unfortunately, you’ll have to take it slow Pisces, as flailing in the middle of the ocean only makes drowning more exhausting. You’ll eventually need to relax and just go with the flow. Sleeping with the fishes is most definitely in your future!


Aries- You’re feeling tension all around, temperamental Aries, but that’s when you really shine. The most pressure will come from inside your throat as a result of that pesky bee allergy. Recalling unheeded advice from loved ones like your mother (“Don’t forget your EpiPen!”) will only increase your inability to breathe. Use that strong spiritual side to float like a butterfly. You’ll find it easy once the anaphylactic shock sets in.


Taurus- Things will really click for you this afternoon, Taurus, when you see the strewn garbage around your campfire moments before a bear attack. The separation of your scalp from your skull will bring an unexpected sense of clarity for your next steps in life. Just don’t be surprised when those steps are short and mangled; the true path to enlightenment comes with much gnashing of teeth.


Gemini- The world is a mysterious place today, made even more so by the blistering rash on your face and genital area. At different points during the day, you may feel like jumping out of your skin, but don’t worry, your skin will considerately begin peeling away for you. You need to practice patience, wily Gemini, and wait for the toxic shock to reveal itself.


Cancer- It might seem like everyone around you is having a tough time. While normally you’d be popping up in the most unexpected places, today isn’t the best time to meddle in other people’s malignant affairs. Why not go for a walk, and enjoy the more benign aspects of life? There’s no harm in stopping to smell the roses and leaving people the hell alone.

Alyssa Sorresso's work was inspired by the recent death of her mother, and
how she thought, "if only we knew it was coming!" She kind of did, because
it was cancer, but it was still a surprise, like the recent loss of U of M
to MSU due to a last-minute fumbled punt, which may be the first event that
is worse than her mother dying. Please give her a reason to get up in the
morning by following her @tactless_grace.


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