Shooting Script for Swiffer Brand Swiffer Sweeper

Scene opens on large group of people in black, walking around a house, tidying up, crying, moaning like babel.

Make sure Swiffer sweeper can be seen in background, but make the depth of field somewhat shallow so that it’s a bit blurred. No need to be insensitive.

Middle-aged women and men hug and pat each other in the back. A particularly attractive but relatable woman, let’s call her Marguerite (which is exotic sounding enough to appeal to the melting pot deliciousness of America while not being scary sounding or having too many vowels) is SWIFFER brand Swiffer Sweeper sweeping the living room.

A single tear rolls down her cheek.

The SWIFFER brand Swiffer Sweeper is the one easy thing in life. It glides over the floor like Marguerite glid across her slippery lovers in college. She Swiffs under the couch, behind the chair, under the rug with the dark stain under it, up the wall, under the TV, up her brother’s ass, crack in the wall, etc., etc., etc.  She wonders why life happened exactly the way it did. Her sister, Rachel, had everything. Grandma probably left her a shit load of money. Bitch!

The SWIFFER brand Swiffer Sweeper looks magnificent and confident, without a stitch of clothing on, long metal pole proud and only Phallic enough as to hint at its girth between Marguerite’s hand and her frigid palm, once catching the bottom of her skirt but cut so quickly to another shot that the viewer barely registers his little shame at having noticed it…Was that…?

SWIFFER brand Swiffer Sweeper Swiffs away all mistakes, regrets, and that time you took a dollar from Grandma’s purse not even because you needed it but because she wouldn’t give it to you. Grandma never noticed anyway, you thought, although she did, and the dollar bore a hole into her heart into which you wormed yourself.

SWIFFER brand Swiffer Sweeper Swiffs past a SWIFFER brand wet mop in the background, but make the depth of field very very shallow so that the viewer barely registers that it was a…was that a…? Wet jet spray over the floor in kind of a sickly splatter pattern that fits the atmosphere.

Camera pulls out to take in entire room. It is empty except for Marguerite Swiffing with the SBSS. As she glides around the perimeter of the room she can’t stop sobbing. She finally stops, and lifts the SBSS to her face to examine her prey caught in the cloth. She starts to grab the lint and hair off of the bottom and it pulls away like cotton candy, or a beard. She walks over to the trash. She starts to drop the ball into the garbage and stops, one hair sticking to her index finger. It is gray, wiry and wizened. It is the hair of GRANDMA (foggy image of GRANDMA floating in the sky). She is saying “It’s OK, all is forgiven.” SWIFFER brand Swiffer Sweeper Swiffs through Grandma’s cloud and she mounts it like a cartoon Halloween witch. 1950’s theme tune plays, jauntily.

SWIFFER:  What more could you want?


Kathleen Telesco lives in Norwalk, Connecticut. She is a photographer and
graphic designer, and owner of Parenthesis Photography. Her influences
include Emily Dickinson, Arthur Miller and Kurt Vonnegut. Claim to fame:
she once inadvertently shoved Angela Lansbury to the ground.

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