Your cashmere farm

Your mansion

The very tall hedges that surround your mansion

Your McMansion

The very tall hedges that surround your McMansion

The very tall hedges that surround the other McMansion reserved for your precious children after your death

The golden coffin that will house your putrifying corpse until the Day of Judgment

The golden-foil-filter cigarettes that will land you in the golden coffin

Your speedboat that makes you feel like James Bond but not quite Daniel Craig-level James Bond

Your jewel-encrusted pet turtle

Your coffee table books about castles

Your multi-colored silk shirts

Your lovely verdant island

Your other lovely verdant island

The backup island to your other island

Your enameled lava kitchen island

The Fabergé eggs your display on a shelf above your bidet

The not-particularly-avant-garde portrait of yourself that hangs above your bed

Your copy of Michelangelo’s David with weirdly small hands

Your private game reserve

Your private volcano

Your private moon

Your $95,000 truffles

The pigs in your private zoo that find the truffles (NOTE: you still need a baby hippo)

Your suitcase filled with cash in case you get kidnapped

The $5000 glittering unicorn hat that you bought for the royal wedding at the precise moment that you heard of the wondrous engagement

Your corporation that does something but no one knows what

Your bottles of red wine made by monks who would hate you

Your 100-foot Norwegian Spruce Christmas tree

Your bunker stocked with pesto for your jewel-encrusted turtle for When the Revolution Happens

Your collection of antique model guillotines (you just like the design)

 

Susan Harlan is an English professor at Wake Forest University and a freelance writer. Her humor writing has appeared in venues including McSweeney's Internet Tendency, The Awl, The Billfold, Avidly, The Toast, Robot Butt, and The Establishment. Her humor book, Decorating a Room of One's Own, will be published by Abrams in October 2018.