Bag of Dicks
Acquire a snack bag filled with a food that resembles a semi-erect or erect penis. I prefer Cheetos, but foods such as gummy worms, pretzel rods, hot fries, sesame sticks, etc., will all work. Do not open or in any way tamper with the bag (or else the spell’s power will instantly dissipate).
Hold a green, firm banana over the bag and repeat the following incantation three times:
Bag of dicks, Bag of dicks
Time to play some funny tricks
Write the words: EAT ME on a post-it note and affix to the snack bag.
Follow by immediately eating the banana and then place the snack bag into its delivery vessel (shipping box, bag). Deliver/ship the vessel. If it’s unlikely that your snack bag will reach the hands of your actual demagogue, try sending it to one of your demagogue’s lesser acolytes/enablers. These individuals tend to be more accessible.
If your intended does in fact consume the snack bag, be assured that they ate a bag of dicks.
Eat My Ass
Similar to the Bag of Dicks spell, find a chocolate bar that might resemble something that came out your ass. I like to imagine a 100 Grand bar coming out of mine. There’s a very memorable scene from the film Caddyshack that employs a Baby Ruth bar. Perhaps your ass might produce something closer to a Reese’s Cup. Select whatever chocolate that you most identify with coming out your ass.
Place the unopened/untampered candy bar on the ground. With a piece of chalk draw an anus-shaped circle around it. Make it look as close to your own anus as possible. Light a cigarette and while puffing on it sing:
Tasty ass, tasty ass, blast blast blast
Yummy bummy, yummy bummy, gas gas gas
Once you have finished with your cigarette, write the words: EAT ME on a post-it note and affix to the candy bar. Place the candy bar in its delivery vessel and send away.
It will be very difficult for your intended to deny themselves the mistaken pleasure of eating your ass.
Unless they have a nut allergy. If so, select an organic, nut-free chocolate bar.
Rivka Deadpebble is the daughter of a famous demagogue and a lesser known banshee. She’s been fighting demagoguery her entire life and is gratified that you’re joining her cause. More of her demagogue-defying spells are available on Kindle.