Stolen Cucumber Dilly Salad

Ingredients:

2 regulation sized containers of full fat yogurt ha! good luck trying to find full fat yogurt skinny healthy America thanks to you there IS NO MORE FULL FAT YOGURT so use nonfat yogurt (plain of course) they were on sale at the Ghetto Albertsons by my house 10 for $10 but I didn’t buy 10 because there is only me

the zest and juice of two fat lemons

2 giant cucumbers that are growing in the street trying to escape their fancy cedar above ground garden that one of the people on your block planted

1 half cup or more! of chopped dill that is also growing in the same neighbor’s yard I mean “street garden”

a wee sprig of tarragon fresh chopped up if you can steal it or I mean if it’s growing in your herb garden (I actually have one of those) but dried if that’s all you have but not too much just a pinch if it’s dry

2 heaping teaspoons apple cider vinegar or more if you like it I like it also it’s good for kitty’s skin if you can attack her from behind with some on your hands and rub it through her fur and the fleas will drop dead even at the mention of vinegar

1 roughly chopped Walla Walla sweet onion

1 teaspoon sugar

salt to taste

pepper to taste

mix the yogurt and lemon and lemon zest and salt and sugar and pepper and thyme and vinegar then chop up the cucumber seeds and all chop up the onion not tiny but bite sized and mix it all together and put it in your fridge and don’t touch it for 24 hours I SAID DO NOT TOUCH THE FUCKING SALAD SERIOUSLY I WILL KNOW AND I WILL MAKE FUN OF YOU ON SOCIAL MEDIA IF YOU EVEN THINK ABOUT TOUCHING IT I’M NOT KIDDING

have it for breakfast or lunch the next day it’s especially delicious if you live in Seattle and it’s been 180° every goddamn day for the past six months and you’re thinking what the hell Seattle where’s all the so-called-rain and shit huh really what’s up huh HUH? if I had the money I’d make this and then go into my backyard and slather it all over my body and just lie under my cherry tree

Rebecca Loudon is the author of Radish King and Cadaver Dogs. Her work forthcoming in Tammy. She is a professional musician and teaches violin lessons to children.