Poverty Bean Soup

1. Go to your local food bank and take whatever kind of dried beans they have as most food banks are not actually banks and they’re kind of dark inside at first I thought I had black beans but discovered last night that they were red

2. Once you are in good light dump all the beans no matter how many in a colander and sort through them tossing out sickly looking beans and rocks rinse them well and put them in a Dutch oven or soup pot or whatever you have that is big enough to let the beans soak over night REMEMBER that the beans will swell up to twice their normal size as I do IF YOU ADD SALT YOUR BEANS WILL BE RUINED AND YOU WILL BE DEAD TO ME

3. In the morning or whenever you get around to it as long as you have a couple hours to hang out rinse the soaking water off the beans and add them back to your soup pot

4. DO NOT ADD SALT UNTIL THE BEANS ARE COMPLETELY FINISHED COOKING OR THE BEANS WILL BE HORRIBLE I’M NOT MAKING THIS UP THEY WILL BE DISGUSTING AND LEPOROUS

5. DON’T BE IN A HURRY

6. BURNED BEANS ARE UNSALVAGABLE even if you’re lucky enough to have crème fraiche with which to dollop your beans later seriously if you burn even one single bean you are so fucked and you’ll have to throw your pot away

7. Fill the pot with clear water until it is at least two inches above the beans

8. Add a whole onion or a half onion don’t chop it just stick it in there

9. Add a whole tangerine or orange as long as they have sweet juice (this step is not necessary and it doesn’t seem like it should work but it does)

10. Add two or three bay leaves

11. Add peppercorns if you have them NO SALT NOT YET BACK AWAY FROM THE GODDAMNED SALT

12. Add cumin I add about a cup of cumin to everything I cook but you might want to start with a teaspoon if you’re kind of a wimp or a beginner

13. Add the red pepper flakes left over in the little paper square of red pepper flakes that came with the last pizza you had delivered which was three years ago right before you lost your fucking job where you worked for thirty years

14. Add a couple whole cloves if you have them

15. All you really need are the beans and water and a stove everything else is just window dressing but those spices go a long way to making your beans tastier

16. Cry near the pot a little bit as your son or daughter leave to live their lives or if your best friend is getting married and moving to JAPAN OF ALL PLACES I mean it do not cry DIRECTLY INTO THE BEANS because your tears are fucking salty seriously continue to NOT ADD SALT
    

17. Bring all this to a boil then turn the fire to a simmer and walk away and take a shower or feed the cats or read a couple of poems or masturbate or trim your fingernails and when you think of it give the beans stir

18. Add more water when you see there is less than two inches of water covering the beans I keep my tea kettle on a low burner so I can add hot water when necessary

19. STOP IT! I SEE YOU TRYING TO ADD SALT! YOU’RE GOING TO NOOOOOOOOO!

20. After an hour and a half or so take out a bean and taste it bite into it is it creamy and delicious but still firm inside WELL DONE if it’s still bitey then cook it a bit longer

21. Now you can add salt.

22. Salt away!

23. Add more salt!

24. Using a spider or a ladle if you don’t have a spider remove about a third of the beans put them in a bowl and mash them with a potato masher then dump them back in the pot this will thicken your beans and they will become actual soup soup

25. Keep it simmering

26. If you have cornbread make it now you glorious bastard

27. If you have scallions chop them tiny to sprinkle on top of the soup once it’s done

28. If you have crème fraiche or sour cream or even a glob of regulation butter to dollop on top of your soup then give thanks to the Animal Gods and do it

29. Eat it for breakfast in your jammies

30. Now that you have created something wonderful and sustaining you can spend the rest of the day crying and binge watching The Sopranos if you have the series if not watch cooking on PBS all day long and feel superior or just lie in bed and fart because yeah you will

Rebecca Loudon is the author of Radish King and Cadaver Dogs. Her work forthcoming in Tammy. She is a professional musician and teaches violin lessons to children.