Mrs. Orlando’s Angry Gnocchi

Ingredients:

3 pounds of russet potatoes boiled and pushed through a ricer (you can mash them but the ricer makes them a bit lighter)
2 cups of white flour
1 jumbo egg room temp
a pinch of salt

I put a Silpat™ on the counter to make this and I think you should too it makes clean up much easier and this recipe is a fucking mess

Dump the riced potatoes on the Silpat™ or a cookie sheet or whatever
Sprinkle the potatoes with the 2 cups of flour and sprinkle the salt over the flour
Make a well in the center of the whole mess and drop in the egg (beaten)
Use your hands to gently mix the dough think biscuits think the less handled the better think GET YOUR HANDS OUT OF THE DOUGH NOW OR YOU’RE JUST GOING TO MAKE LITTLE BULLETS AND THEN YOU’LL CRY AND BLAME ME AND I JUST DON’T HAVE TIME FOR THAT KIND OF SHIT I’M DEALING WITH MY OWN SHIT ALL THE TIME SO JUST LEAVE THE DOUGH ALONE NOW STEP AWAY FROM THE DOUGH THANK YOU

Have a tall pan of water boiling on the stove then turn it down to a simmer

Roll handfuls of the dough out like the snakes you made with clay when you were a kid wheeeee!

The dough snakes should be a little bit thicker than 2 pencils tied together
Cut the snakes into 1 inch pieces and score them with a fork in the middle kind of roll the fork toward yourself so the gnocchi folds over itself a little bit it will look curled this is so the sauce can get inside but honestly I don’t think it makes any difference pretty sure the women who invented gnocchi were lying about putting ridges on your gnocchi just so they could sell gnocchi ridge makers

Once you get a few cut toss them in the simmering water remember you want to blanch your gnocchi not boil it to death like the bunny in Fatal Attraction you’re not a bunny killer are you? WELL ARE YOU? seriously if you are a bunny killer step away from this recipe right now

Remove the gnocchi with a slotted spoon as soon as they rise to the top of the water which takes under a minute or less yes this is a fatally flawed sentence

Roll and cut the entire blob of dough your fingers will get glued together you will be glad for the Silpat™ seriously glad because without it your counter will become like the gummy bottom of a diseased lake

When all the gnocchi are cooked you can eat them right away in any kind of sauce that strikes your fancy or you can put them in a pan with a little olive oil roll them around so they don’t stick together then put them in a covered container in the stripper fridge but why go to all that trouble to wait for them eat away in your pajamas in front of the television or have a fancy dinner I don’t care I have no friends so I usually eat them naked in bed

Rebecca Loudon is the author of Radish King and Cadaver Dogs. Her work forthcoming in Tammy. She is a professional musician and teaches violin lessons to children.