At what time must one start drinking to be drunk by noon?

It depends on what you’re drinking. Tequila Rose shots: 11:30. Champagne: 11. The book’s actually named after a Handsome Family song: “If my life was as long as the moon’s I’d still be jealous of the sun. If my life lasted only one day, I’d still be drunk by noon.”

Have you ever experienced days of shame and failure?

Every 15 minutes.

What are you wearing?

Tube socks, scuba suit, crocheted snood.

Should absolutely everybody read your poems? 

People who don’t speak English, children, and the elderly should be forced to read them, then be tested on their mastery of the topics. Regular adults can read the cliff notes or watch the movie.

Wait. I mean yes. 

How often do you tend to revise a poem before publication? 

Seriously: A lot. For months. Sometimes years. Including after it’s been published.

How often in your life have you switched favourite coffee shop? 

I have no affinity to any coffee shop. The super snotty slow ones drive me nuts. I’m very impatient. People talk about Good Coffee—I don’t care about it. I can tell when coffee is watery and weak, or so strong you can skate on it, but anything in between those poles is all fine to me. 

Shall we finish up there or is there anything else you’d like to discuss? 

I always want to discuss food. Recently, one of my colleagues decided to give me his thoughts on teaching—a kind of mini lecture—as I was waiting for the microwave to heat up my soup. He was eating a microwave corn dog in a paper sleeve decorated with circus drawings. Crunching into it. Talking about paradigms and benchmarks. Corndog. Evaulations. Corndog. User outcomes. Muuuuunch munch-munch. Like a scene from Inherent Vice.

Do you eat, like, three meals a day or are you more of a snacker?

I get 8 full meals per day plus snacks and tips.

Share the wealth!

I made you a crock pot full of vegan tofu Polynesian pineapple balls. It’s on warm out in the garage. Used toothpicks go in the trashcan. That’s important.

[Curtain down]