If you suffer from postmodern malaise, as do I, then you have a whole host of ailments that need fixing.

In this age of virtual doctor visits and nurse hotlines and WebMD, it just makes sense to test yourself for certain conditions at home.  Here, I give you the best—and the worst—of DIY home test kits.

WARNING:  Extra sensitive poets and writers should be supervised by an adult when trying these at home.

NORMAL

Pregnancy, UTI, Baby Daddy, Ovulation, Illicit Drug tests.  These are your run-of-the-mill types, ubiquitous and mundane.  Nothing special here.

PET RELATED

Feline Leukemia test, UTI for dogs, Worms for horses.  These might save you a trip to the Vet, or they could just cause angry feelings in your pets (what’s the term for murderous thoughts your cat has towards you?).

UMMMMM

Cocaine, nicotine tests:  Did you snort a line of coke and forget?  Are you checking to see if your smoking cessation pills are really working?

OMFG

Sperm test for successful Vasectomy.  SERIOUSLY.  You may need to check with your doctor on this one.  See also:  Infidelity (Semen Detector) Test.

MY FAVORITE:

The Home Treppaning Kit:  For the craniotomy enthusiast.  You need this kit like you need a hole in the head.