FOR REALS?

Halp!!

Birthdays are super important and a big deal but when I reminded my soulmate about mine he only sent Happy Birthday on WhatsApp and a couple emoji, not even all caps or a GIF! And he never showed up at my place with flowers and surprise presents like I expected. I texted all day and only got lame answers about how he’s swamped at work. All day! So I got wasted on Prosecco and after vomiting because of him because he’s so inconsiderate I sent pics of me crying and WhatsApped YOU BETTER COME OVER!!! OR I’M DELETING YOUR NUMBER!!! (no emoji). How long should I wait before sending another text? – S. K.

For real, S. K.?

How old are you? You threw a tantrum because you wanted gifts and flowers? What else—a bouncy castle and pony rides? Are you blowing random dudes and fantasizing about actual relationships? Get a grip. He’s already deleted your number.

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Halp!!

What’s the superfastest way to get rich? I sell cheap stuff for big bucks and lose money because of rent and car and fines and other shit I’m paying off. I’m not looking for a job, just an income thing without the hassle of work. More than just cash that men sneak me in envelopes for what I guess you’d call services. Listen, I deserve expensive shoes and handbags just like their wives who always say they feel sorry for me but are really laughing behind my back. It’s not fair they have designer stuff and I’m in debt. Seriously, I need money. – A. Pate

OMG, A. Pate,

You don’t deserve an answer.

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Forget the stupid questions, here’s a prose poem titled “E” from False Friends by Uljana Wolf, translated from the German by Susan Bernofsky:

in all honesty i possess eleven fingers, outside of honesty too. it’s a clumpcloddy finger, the eleventh, with clodhopper knuckles, it’s what the word churl would look like if it came to earth or scudded beneath it in finger form. elves dangle and twirl from the gnarly joints on the sabbath. such a muchness, but truly, when a wind kicks up you can hear the hinges creaking.

Genia Blum is a Swiss Ukrainian Canadian writer, translator, and dancer. Her work has been anthologized, published widely in literary journals, and received Pushcart Prize and Best of the Net nominations. “Slaves of Dance,” based on excerpts from her memoir in progress, was named a “Notable Essay” in The Best American Essays 2019. Find @geniablum on Twitter and Instagram or visit her website: geniablum.com