As a young, healthy person during coronavirus, it can be hard to know when to complain online
You may crave those sympathy “likes” but how do you know you’re deserving when everyone else is going through the same pandemic? Add up your points below!
You live in a house without a yard +4
You live in an apartment without a balcony +6
You live in a studio apartment, without a balcony, and you’re facing a brick wall +45
You cut your spouse’s hair and now they look weird +4
Your spouse cut your hair and now you look weird +15
You had to postpone your wedding +15
You no longer have to go to someone else’s wedding -25
You’re pregnant and had to cancel your baby shower +10
You’re pregnant, you had to cancel your shower, and now you’re craving everything Amazon Fresh says won’t ship until September +50
People keep asking you to Zoom +3
No one asks you to Zoom +3
You’re pretty sure you can hear your cat or dog’s “human voice” +4
You’re pretty sure you can hear your cat or dog’s “human voice” but you don’t have a cat or dog +10
You’re quarantining with your young kids +12
You’re quarantining with your in-laws +24
You’re quarantining with your kids and your in-laws +100
You’re out of bread +2
You’re out of ice cream +4
You’re out of rum +20
You’re out of toilet paper +10
You’ve been out of toilet paper for weeks and have gotten used to peeing in the shower -2
You always peed in the shower (no points)
You’re bored +1
You’re so bored that you’re taking a nap every day -3
You’ve watched everything on Netflix +5
You’ve watched everything on Netflix, Hulu, and regular cable and now you’ll understand every TV and movie reference anyone makes, ever -2
You’re an extrovert and this is your nightmare +10
You’re an agoraphobe and this is your dream -10
You’re washing your hair less than once a week +2
You’re washing your hair less than once a week and now it’s really shiny -2
You’re washing your hair less than once a week, it’s really shiny, but the cat or dog you do or don’t have hasn’t said anything about it yet +6
10 Points or Less: You’re “The Celebrity Who Tweets About How ‘We’re All In This Together’ From Their Mansion”
By this time, you may have watched “Tiger King” so many times that you’re starting to think Carol Baskin DIDN’T kill her husband. But otherwise, you’re doing okay. Don’t complain that they cancelled the Met Gala when you post a photo of yourself by the pool. It’s tasteless.
11-60 Points: You’re “The Post-Apocalyptic Stay-At-Home Parent”
You may be on your sixth box of Thin Mints today. You may be on your fourth beer. Don’t worry, it happens to the best of us.
Feel free to Facebook Live yourself complaining about grocery store delivery windows, Amazon out of stocks, and the fact that your neighbor still won’t wear his facemask.
61 Points and Up: You’re “The Crazy-Eyed Hermit”
Have some wine. Have some more. Wipe the Pop-Tart crumbs out of your hair, burn all your dress pants (it’s not like we live in a society where we’ll ever need those again), and complain all you want.