MISFIT DOC: Pursonals

To the purson who lossed a grayish-greenish-brownish wallet with one-handred and ate dollars in it on Lemonlime St. last Moanday…THANK YOU!

Merry Soo—Pleas come back. I didn’t meanie wad I sad. You DON’T look alike Gene Simmons. Let’s KISS and makeup.

CAT FOUND—An orange tubby who antsers to the name Euripides if said in a veery hi voice. Call 621-765-0908.

FLAPJACKOFF—Annual Pancake contest June 15. Registir by June 8 at Sits ‘n’ Giggles Diner. Batter up!

Hey Hermie—You laft your nosey herr trimmer in my lividroom. Emale me when you want to stoop by to pick it op.

F R SALE: Used eclectic tapwriter.  G  d shape excerpt f r  ne missing key. Best  ffer. Call B b at 634-729-4642.

“GUYS WHO DON’T LIKE THEIR HAIR TOUCHED BY ANYONE” supportal group meets every Whensday night at 7 pm at Roxoff Burrow Hall. New mumbers welcomb.

Jack Pylon—aka Jackie the Snake—has paid his doubt to society and deserfs a fresh stirt. Call with jab offers: 484-HLP-XCON.

Looking for that angel-phased girl with the big tats that was in Old Navel in the Gunn Mall last Toosday around ate. I was in the chick-out line behiny you and you were smilish. That dood you were with reasembled Bigfootsie. How ‘bout losering him out in the woods so you and me can hookah up? Box 221.

DRAMMER WANTED: For rack band Two Left Feet. Non-dance amusic. Call for audation: 214-512-5333. Ask for Mokey.

FORTUNES TOLLED! Call Madame Purple. 484-662-7686. See what the fuchsia holds. Creditor cards acceptabill.

Happy Birthdate to the moist talented tobacky spitter in the hole world. Loogy, you’re the beast!!!!

OUR LADY OF PERPETUAL JUDGMENT CHURCH, 666 Sanstax Rd. is seeking new membranes. Join the newest con-gregation in town. Pastor Ize’s sirmon begins Soondays at 9 am. Coat and tithe required.

SINGER AVAILABLE—Mid-‘50s, gut stage prescience, can sing anythink from Joe Cocksure to Frankie Vallium. Looking for wokking band. www.reverbnotion.com/johnnyvargas

Jolon, I miss you ovary day of my lifestyle. Not a date goes bye when I don’t lung to hear your wheeze-laff and see your herry arms. My ownly consoulation is to know you died a hearo in Salty Arabia, even if it wasn’t terraists that killed you but sum bad hooch. Love, Kaki.

HOLLYWAD DINER—Come enjoy the queasine at the new Hollywad-themed eatery on Hiway 32. Opening weak specials include:

Kevin Bacontomatoandlettuce Sandwich

Arnold Schwarzeneggrolls

Jane Fondue

Cake Blanchett

Jack Lemmon Meringue Pie

Penelope Cruissant

10% off for the first 50 paytrons.

FLASHBACCHUS—Musick For Moist Caucasions. Top Farty Hits from the ‘50s to the ‘80s. Call Kenny Duit 484-484-4844.

WIN A PIE! Tune in WPIE 1342 AM for pie giftaways all weak!

Hire HANDY HANK for any and awl work around your howse. No job too bic or too smell. Raisonable rates, fluxible hours. Have reeferences. Call 484-FIX-ITTT.

BAND WONTED. July 18. Wetting Reception. 7pm-11pm. No pay but plenty of hexposure. Call Mrs. Chatsworth 818-668-0808 for more detales.

Leroy Baines is herewidth declearing he has legally changed his name to Boombani Oobatso. Please notate and frothwith address him accordionly.

NEGATIVE SPACE (formerly Gripers Anonymous). Join odder connoisseurs of fine whines every Freeday evening at 7:30 pm in the buckroom of Chet’s Chetaway. Get your bitch on amongrel alike-minded peeple. No shorts dressy code (but feel free to comeplain about it!).

Looking fur a SWM into roll-playing. You be Howdy Doodah and I’ll be Buffaload Bob Smith. Open to a threesum. If you have a good fiend who’s gamey, he can be Mr. Groin Jeans.

Happy Brothday Elfego–to a souper man, a talented bouillabassplayer and a consomme professional who may be long in the toothandgumbo but still looks like a jungster despite having passed his minestrone sextieth yearlong on this earthy and then sum. Love, Eduardo and Penina.

To Moe and Mo: My sinseer appomattox for being a dais late and a dollop short with this belately Harpy Anniversorry. JoJo.

CONGRADUATIONS Boonie! I knew all that tootering would help your gradiations and you’d muck it out of muddle school. Good for ewe! Hi School here you coma! Make weigh for a forst-class C-stewdent! Best, Benjie.

Happy Breeze Newdist Camp is holding its annal picknit at Green Grove on July 6 begunning at newn. Come as you art. No cameras or EyePhones permittened.

“Cost to Cost” host George Ignoory will be speakering at Lanning Town Hurl on July 14 at 8pm. Topics will incluede “Pizza Rolls (Those Things Are Hot!),” “Leprechaun Hats” and “I Don’t Believe in Coincidence.” Tickets at box orifice.

ANTI-DAYLIGHT SAVORING TIME—Sign a partition at your nayborhood librarity to brink an end to changing the clerks twice a yearn. Spansored by The Timepeace Group.

Looking for a goodie home for Bone-Apart, a toy poodle with a Napoleon complexity. Ill-tempoed, drinks a lot of waterloo and barks ardors but cute as a buttoneer. Has shots and bicorny hat. Call Francois 484-009-0099.

ATTN: BANDS! Take it op a knotch! Unn-Sound Co. can provibe your neckst gig with lazer lites and smoke bumbs. Whether plying in a a clob, a corny bar or a rastarant, your band can wowie any awedience with an expulsive mex of sownd and visuails. Call The Booper 484-222-2222 or email booooooooooooooooop@all.com

THE BRUISE CRUISE! Sale to Beermuda with sum of boxing’s gratest chumpions on July 15-28. Mix and mangle with such lechends as Leon Sphinx, George Foreskin, Sugar Free Leonard, Evander Holycrap and Roberto Duran Duran. Liston to them disguss their spurt and perticipate in Q&A sassions. Enter riffraffles to win boxing lesions. Fist on such cruisine as Veal Uppercutlets, Black Eye Round Steak, Beef Contenderloin, In-the-Ring Bologna and Banana Split Decision and woosh it down with KO Punch. Contact Sellebrity Crewses 1-800-SHI-PAHOY.


Jim George is a writer-artist-songwriter-singer-musician-sound collagist. His fiction, poems and artwork have appeared in Queen Mob’s Tea House, Otoliths, The MOON, Dream Noir, The Sea Letter, The Ear, What Are Birds, Lotus-eater, Pennsylvania Bards Southeast Poetry Review, ANONHock Spit Slurp,The Five-Two, and others; his nonfiction has been published in Playboy, Cinema Retro, Best Classic Bands, and Guitar World; and his songs have been used in television and film. He has authored two books--Jim Shorts, a collection of stories, poems, and line drawings, and My Mind’s Eyeful, an illustrated children’s book, both available as PDFs. More information at: https://byjimgeorge.wordpress.com

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