The Victory Royale

There I was, in the middle of Loot Lake, my whole squad downed and the circle closing in. In front of me, bleeding out slowly was Shadillac, ProfFrenchFries, and SmurfLover69.

The enemy fire was so incessant, I barely had time to build a shelter around them. I think in their hearts they knew I couldn’t save all of them, but god damn it, how was I supposed to choose who to save?

We all deployed together, all landed at Junk Junction. We were more than a squad. We were brothers. I had to make the toughest call of my life. I knew SmurfLover69 was the best sniper in the squad. Heck, old SmurfLover could take a “no-skins” head off from a cool 200 meters away like it was nothing. I needed him more than the rest, whether they like to admit or not.

The others made the ultimate sacrifice, and sure they may have been angry at the time, the term “douche” and “asshole” may have been thrown around, but goddamnit, we deployed to get that Victory Royale and I was going to see to it that we got it.

The circle was closing in tight at this point. Ol’ SmurfLover69 and I were taking on a team that was comprised of four of the toughest sons-a-bitches you ever laid your eyes on. Each one of them must have had 10 confirmed kills apiece.

They were building up above us trying to get the high ground. You know I may not have had ol’ SmurfLover69’s aim, but I could build with the best of ’em. 

I started building up and up, chanting the mantra, “floor, ramp, wall, floor, ramp, wall, floor, ramp, wall.”




But, poor ol’ SmurfLover69 couldn’t keep up.

I looked down from my bunker just in time to see the enemy squad jump down right on top of ol’ SmurfLover69’s fort.

But that’s when I saw it.

Ol’ SmurfLover69 was never much of a builder, and sure enough, he had a load-bearing ramp all exposed and in the open. All I had to do was take it out and the enemy squad would be taken out.


But Grandpa, wouldn’t SmurfLover be eliminated from the fall too? You wouldn’t take out your own teammate, would you?


Who the fuck are you to judge me? What would you have me do? Have Shaddillac and ProfFrenchFries die for nothing? They knew what they were getting into, goddamnit!

I took out the ramp and saw the five of them fall right out of the sky. They were like helpless puppies falling from a tree, confused at how they got there, clambering for something to stop their fall.

They must have only been falling for a fraction of a second. But I swear I saw ol’ SmurfLover69 fall for what seemed like an hour. His eyes kept saying the same word over and over… “Why?”

As soon as he hit the ground, I saw the most wonderful thing in the world, something that made it all worthwhile, something that we’ve been fighting for this whole time. Those giant bubble letters.

“#1 Victory Royal”

Eytan Raphaely is a comedian from Seattle. His other characteristics include: Jewish, brown hair, and tattoos.

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