SATIRE: 5 Self Care Ideas That Are Just a Korean Face Mask From CVS

1. Take a walk. Sometimes, just getting out of your chair, going outside and stretching your legs in nature is the best gift you can give your body. Head outdoors and explore a nearby hiking trail, but make sure the hiking trail is the 3 block walk from your apartment to CVS, where you can buy yourself a nice $3.99 Korean face mask.

2. Take a bath. What’s calming, cleansing, and great for your skin? A bath, but also the many Korean face masks available at the CVS down the street, the one next to the Noodles & Company where that guy got robbed.

3. Listen to music. There’s nothing like one of your favorite songs to calm you down, put you in a great head space, and boost your confidence. Listen to music while you’re shopping for Korean face masks at CVS so you don’t have to hear that one guy argue with the cashier about not being able to return an opened box of Raisin Bran Crunch again.

4. Get in touch with your feelings. What are you truly proud of? What are your most important goals in life? Which types of Korean face mask do you really want to buy this week? You usually go for green tea, but your skin has been dry lately. Maybe it’s a grapefruit night. Why not get both? Better throw in cucumber mint—there’s a three for one deal!

5. Call a friend. This one is so important. Give CVS a quick call before you head over to make sure they are fully stocked with Korean face masks. Remember, it’s these small steps that lead to great self care. Because what is self-care, after all? It’s buying yourself a Korean face mask that absolutely isn’t from Korea and absolutely won’t make your life better, but will make your face slimy for ten to fifteen minutes and remind you that you need to buy paper towels when you see them in aisle five at CVS on your way to the self checkout that will, inevitably, be out of order.

Meredith Oechler is a Minneapolis-based (which means she lives in Minneapolis, but she could, like, totally leave if she wanted to) writer and comedian. She is an in-house writer, actor, and co-founder of the sketch group Fool’s Errand as well as the Editor in Chief of the comedy zine Phony Magazine. She can be seen performing improv with her troupe, lovingly named Robot Family Band (after her grandmother), as well as performing stand up around the Twin Cities. Outside of that, she enjoys listening to Simon & Garfunkel (deep tracks, which is even sadder) and stalking her own Instagram daily.


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