SATIRE: The Best

I get out of bed and the first thing I do is turn on my computer. When the mail comes up I find there’s a Linkedin update, info. from a travel company, a notice regarding job opportunities in my area, an update from Nextdoor Digest, Apple News of the day, a doctor’s appointment reminder, a couple of advertisements for products I never use, and a letter from a guy somewhere in England who informs me that a rich uncle of his recently passed away and left him 32 million dollars.

And not wanting to be greedy, he decided to give 20 million of it away to five random people, and since I was chosen as one of the lucky winners, all I have to do to begin the process is provide him with my full name, address, birthdate, and what I do for a living.

And so I immediately write back giving my name as Irving Shitburger, my address as 1492 Columpiss Way, and my birthdate as July 4th 1776. I tell him I work as a hitman for the Camp Fire Girls, and if he has someone he’d like to take out, I’d be willing to do it for an extra million.

I confirm that everything I said is true, and that he can rest assured I’m the best at what I do.

Jeffrey Zable is a teacher and conga drummer who plays Afro Cuban Folkloric music for dance classes and Rumbas around the San Francisco Bay Area. His poetry, fiction, and non-fiction have appeared in hundreds of literary magazines and anthologies. Recent writing in Tigershark, Ink In Thirds, Alba, Corvus, Cacti Fur, Uppagus, Defuncted, Spelk, The Mark, Lucent Dreaming, Chrome Baby, and many others. In 2017 he was nominated for both The Best of the Net and the Pushcart Prize.

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