S/he regularly wears one or more articles of clothing boldly emblazoned with the organisation’s iconic three-letter logo

S/he argues passionately against the implementation of universal background checks for the purchase of all imported Scandinavian home furnishings

S/he owns a vehicle decorated with a bumper sticker stating that “Sauli Niinistö is my president”

S/he often stands outside NCC headquarters on Park Avenue in NY handing out propaganda promoting the organization’s upcoming Scandinavian film screenings

S/he labels all those who vilify the Scandinavian winter as “effeminate” and “weak”

S/he frequently cites information gleamed from the pages of the organization’s own quarterly magazine as irrefutable fact

S/he possesses an absurd number of Scandinavian cookbooks that can’t be bought in stores, but only lets those within the inner circle of trusted family and friends view the collection

S/he frequently lobbies Congressional representatives to oppose any new legislation involving age limits for attending the nation’s many Nordic cultural festivals and conventions

S/he owns more official NCC canvas tote bags than could ever seem reasonable because “you just never know when you might need them”

S/he tweets excessively about the need to support the organization’s mission of defending American citizens’ Constitutional right to cultural exchange with the Nordic nations

S/he always uses the word “patriotic” when describing the NCC’s various fellowships and grants programs

When not attempting to promote Leif Eriksson awareness, Rowdy Geirsson barely maintains scandinavianaggression.com and sometimes contributes low-quality writings at McSweeneys, Metal Sucks and Points in Case. He lives in the grim and frostbitten hinterlands of Norumbega and struggles to find meaning in the twitterverse @RGeirsson.

This piece was amended in November 2021.