Seven Stupid Cat Poems

Brie Larson

My life is currently like                                                                       

that movie Room, but

instead of a kid I have a cat,

and we’re locked in here

pretty much by choice.

Room 2

After plans go belly up,

a heartbroken man forces himself

into solitary bedroom confinement,

where he must reconnect with his once

neglected cat on the deepest levels, like

when they nap together, or even when

they listen to the music of Oasis together.

Emotions run wild in this taut buddy thriller

that Janet Maslin of The New York Times calls,

“Very sad. Very sad, indeed. Holy shit. Wow.”

Portrait of the Artist Purchasing 40 lbs. of Cat Litter at 4 AM on Amazon Dot Com

I used to think cats were cool

but the older they get,

the more bullshit they are.

People too, I suppose.

Just going to complain about my cat until one of us maybe dies

These days

my cat would rather lay around

in a dusty old shed

and drink rain water

than hangout with me,

which I completely understand.

Halloween sucks


Hearing your cat puke in the other room.


Find­ing where the puke is without stepping in it.

My cat smells like pork lo mein, does yours?

I recently asked someone how their injured cat was doing

but I didn’t listen to the answer

because I was too busy texting with someone who hates me

and now I have no idea how the injured cat is doing,

so please stuff me in a garbage disposal.

I still think Look Who’s Talking Meow is the kind of comedy blockbuster we, as a nation, deserve

When your cat is sleeping on an empty pizza box

in the kitchen corner where bagged-up trash is kept

and you call your cat over to come sleep on you instead

because—let’s be real here—you too are a piece of trash.

BRIAN ALAN ELLIS is the author of several books, including Sad Laughter (Civil Coping Mechanisms, 2018) and Something to Do with Self-Hate (House of Vlad/Talking Book, 2017). His writing has appeared at JukedHobartMonkeybicycleElectric LiteratureVol. 1 BrooklynFunhouseHeavy Feather ReviewTalking Book, and Queen Mob’s Tea House, among other places. He lives in Florida, and tweets sad and clever things at both @brianalanellis and @HouseofVlad.

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