SATIRE: (One Way) Conversations With Mueller

May 17, 2017: I am so relieved you were chosen to be special counsel! I know that you will do a complete and thorough job investigating this President and all his cronies. No pressure – but you are the only thing standing between democracy and tyranny. Please work fast.

August 1, 2017: I can certainly understand that you needed some time to put together a crack team of legal experts but please keep in mind that we are really struggling through the long hot summer with scandal after scandal. Can you throw us a bone? Maybe a word on where the investigation is heading? Have you been watching the Rachel Maddow show?

October 31, 2017: Wow! It’s going down for real! Paul Manafort and Rick Gates and who the heck is this Papadopoulos? You are kicking ass! I knew it. You are going to get to the bottom of this and Trump will pay the ultimate price. Pence is no prize but at least he is not a criminal – or is he?

December 2, 2017: Rock star! Flynn pleads guilty. “Lock him up!” – oh the irony. Who else are you gonna flip?

December 15, 2017: Any chance you got some more indictments in the next few days? If not, they are going to pass this idiotic tax bill which is only going to help millionaires get richer and bloat the deficit. Anything on McConnell and the Russians (j/k)?

January 1, 2018: Happy New Year. I don’t mean to be a pest, but the wife and I are really having trouble sleeping at night with a lunatic in charge of the country.

January 30, 2018: HELLOO! Anyone there? What the heck is taking so long? I know this not as simple as an episode of Law and Order but geez how can you let this guy stay in power? George Washington is rolling over in his grave. For God’s sake, do something!

February 17, 2018: I am sorry if I was out of line last time we spoke. Indicting those Russians is a good thing (although I really don’t expect you to go and get them). I have complete confidence in you – but hurry please.

February 24, 2018: YES! Guilty pleas from Flynn, Gates, Papadopoulos and Alex van der Zwaan whose father-in-law just happens to be a Russian oligarch. You are getting warmer. Any day now the big shoe is gonna drop!

March 1, 2018: I see what is going on. You are waiting until the midterms are over and Democrats have won back the House. Right? That way we have a chance at impeachment. Long shot – Pence is involved too and with Democrats controlling the House, the next in line after the President and VP would be the House Speaker. So, Nancy Pelosi will be the next president – is this the plan??

March 15, 2018: Are you even watching Rachel?

April 2, 2018: Please help. We are in a very dark place now. Will he really be President for 4 years? Aren’t you going to arrest him?

April 15, 2018: Maybe you should add Michael Avenatti to your legal team. Just saying. Whatever.

May 1, 2018: I am disappointed in you.

May 10, 2018: Indict, arrest, convict. That is what a “Special” Prosecutor does. Maybe the pressure has gotten to you?  Maybe the Russians have gotten to you? Maybe democracy is overrated, and America will do better as an oligarchy run by a self-obsessed, compulsive liar.  Would it kill you to let us know what is going on some time before the end of the decade?

July 4, 2018: For crying out loud, Trump is going to meet with Putin! Are you just going to stand by and let this happen?

July 19, 2018: Now he’s inviting Putin here?! WTF?

August 21, 2018: Manafort convicted on 8 counts! Well done. Weren’t you a little worried about the judge with his kooky comments? I am so relieved it all worked out. Even so I think Manafort will just bide his time in prison and wait for the pardon so don’t waste your time trying to flip him. He can’t be trusted.

August 24, 2018: Damn! You have his lifelong accountant cooperating? It has got to be a matter of days now. Not only does this guy know where the bodies are buried, but he was one of the pall bearers.

September 1, 2018:  When did Alan Dershowitz become a putz? Is he on Trump’s payroll like Giuliani? It must be hard for you to watch what they are saying about you and the FBI. It is truly a national disgrace. The Trumpians and Faux News are trying to distract you. Don’t pay attention to all the noise. Just keep rolling.

September 14, 2018: Manafort flipped! I knew it. It’s got to be happening soon right? Trump in Handcuffs. I want to see him in handcuffs, and I’d give my right ear for a perp walk.

September 17, 2018: Just a thought…when you finally do convict them all wouldn’t it be fitting if Jared, Don Jr, and Don Sr (Corleone) were in adjoining jail cells?

September 24, 2018:  Time’s up. I expect some big news this week. Don’t even think about going silent until the election. That DOJ 60-day rule does not apply to Trump – he is not running for office. Do I have to remind you what your pal Comey did to Hillary? Time to make it right!

October 10, 2018:  Nooooo! You see now why we needed you to work fast? Brett Kavanaugh on the Supreme Court! This is very upsetting. The damage being done is irreparable. What is the point of what you are doing if we must wait this long? Sigh. Hello again, despair.

November 15, 2018:  The midterms turned out better than expected – yay!  But what are you going to do about this guy Whitaker, the new acting attorney general? I know, I know I need to be patient.  If I have learned anything by now about you, I know that you must have prepared for this. But for God’s sake man what are you waiting for? Strike now while you still have the chance!

November 27, 2018: Didn’t I tell you not to waste your time on Manafort? He is going down with the mothership hoping the first American Czar will pardon him just in time for Christmas.

January 25, 2019: Roger Stone Indicted and Arrested! Nice touch sending in the SWAT team. I know it has been a while since I have communicated. Missed me? Maybe if you could work a little faster, we could talk about who is going to play you in the movie. I am thinking maybe Liam? Or if you want to go younger, how about Josh Brolin or Bradley Cooper?

Future Date (TBD):  WOW! WHAT?! I knew it was only a matter of time… but never in a million years would I have guessed that Melania was the mole!


Gary Laitman is a political writer\satirist who currently lives in the Philadelphia suburbs. His writings have recently appeared in the Bucks County Courier Times and Writer’s Resist:

http://www.writersresist.com/2018/07/12/breaking-up-is-hard-to-do/

http://www.buckscountycouriertimes.com/opinion/20180214/guest-opinion-wealth-not-for-weak-at-heart

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