Freakishly Specific Crystal Guide for First World Quandaries

Agate:  Converts the uncouth taste of a Pinot Noir into the sweet taste of Ribena to help you come across as a civilized adult during a dinner party

Amethyst: Helps in crafting sharp and hitting comebacks during various battles of wit

Aquamarine: Aids in successfully interpreting the tone of texts

Black Obsidian: Offers a calming effect when your neighbor has cheekily started major construction work in the morning without your consent

Bloodstone: Abets in finding a half-decent tattoo design to cover the ill-advised one you got to spite your father the second you turned 18

Citrine: Helps in repressing the memory of just how bad your karaoke performance was at last year’s staff Christmas Party

Fluorite: Assists you on your quest to find a McDonalds when you’re on a holiday somewhere exotic and you’re not feeling adventurous enough to try the local cuisine

Howlite: Stimulates your capacity to produce an off the cuff excuse for getting out of a Hen’s Night you’d really rather not go to

Labrodite: Offers an encouraging energy force in times where you’re seeing how many IKEA pencils you can successfully steal

Moonstone: A guidance energy during car travel, protecting you from a situation where you’d have to admit that you still can’t change a tire and that all those old takeaway bags on the floor are yours

Peridot: Stimulates your ability to telepathically control contestants on The Bachelor

Rose Quartz: Bolsters a natural and enticing aroma of roses when you’ve been wearing the same skinny leg jeans over a five day period

Tiger Eye: Gives rise to natural opportunities for utilizing wider vocabulary without coming across as too pretentious

Ellen Muller is a Melbourne based publishing student in her final year of study. She can usually be found in the library basement doing some writing/editing work and flagrantly disobeying the ‘no food’ sign. You can find more of her writing at or @ellen_jane_muller.

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