Lo, it came to pass that in the sixteenth year of the second millennia, the man elected the 45th President of the United States would endeavor to become the nation’s first sovereign since King George III ruled over the thirteen colonies. His rise to glory would not come easy. Bestowed by his maker with orange locks and a golden tongue, he had used fiery words to slay the evil sorceress Lady Hillary of Rodham whose fiendish communications, it was said, contained the secrets to her witchcraft. The would-be king and his minions had spread the word throughout the land. “Lock her up!” for she is not of this earth and only he can make our country great again. The people trembled in his presence for he bespoke of demons coming from the four corners of the earth to rape and pillage the good people of America. Far and wide he warned his countrymen that if he were not elected, the world would soon be consumed by darkness.
But alas, it was darkness that loomed over the Orange one. Rumors swirled that the mighty Red Empire lead by V. Putin had sought to influence the election to ensure that Lady Hillary would not win. Those in the know spoke of secret meetings between legions of the Red Empire and members of the Trump royal family, of plans to infiltrate and disseminate Hillary’s black magic.
The people decried that this was not right. They protested and summoned Lady Liberty to appoint a nobleman to hold an inquiry to seek the truth. She heard their cries and summarily on his white horse did arrive the White Knight Mueller who was given the title “Special Prosecutor” and with this title came formidable powers he could use to vanquish the denizens of the underworld who stood guard over the secrets of the Trump empire. Cries of “Witch Hunt” came from the Orange one but he did not seek himself to challenge the White Knight to a duel for he feared the people would revolt if he dare take on liberty itself.
As the White Knight dug deeper into his inquest and members of the Orange one’s inner circle were felled by Mueller’s “Sword of Truth”, the President decided that rather than a frontal assault he would be best served by a surreptitious attack. He summoned Sir Nunes of Devin, to concoct a magical plan so mesmerizing that the people would think he, the President was the victim of a grand conspiracy, and they would take their wrath out on the mighty White Knight. But the people would not be taken by this foolishness.
And so, he summoned the once distinguished Earl of Giuliani to do his bidding and speak on his behalf. Fire sprung from his mouth as if he were possessed by a ferocious dragon. He roared to anyone who would listen that the Orange one was innocent of any wrong-doing and that Lady Hillary was the true miscreant.
The President delighted hearing his devotees speak. He rejoiced at their fealty. Clearly caught up in the rapture of the moment, he finally uttered the words that would forever change his presidency “I have the absolute right to PARDON myself…”
When these words were heard by Lady Liberty, the ground shook with a fierceness not felt in over 240 years. For who hath rights to pardon themselves from a crime other than a king? And so, with her awesome power, Lady Liberty summoned the White Knight to drop the great book of laws upon the head of the Orange one, and he did indeed fall. He fell with such a loud crash that he was swallowed up by the earth and was never heard from again.
Gary Laitman is a political writer\satirist who currently lives in the Philadelphia suburbs. His writings have recently appeared in the Bucks County Courier Times and Writer’s Resist.