1 // Consider the fox and the grapes. 

It was not such a great sofa. It was way too big for the space. You spent too much time on it. A pilates mat will better serve you now.

2 // Removed from context, it’s no longer the same sofa. 

You barely recognize it as it gets carried out the door. You don’t remember how you got it in the door, but you and the new owners groan and struggle to turn it this way and that, risking injury and lawsuits, and eventually get it out again. It was a different color and texture, back when your eyes were so close to the cushions. Out there in the parking lot, it’s a different piece of furniture.

3 // Bestow a blessing.

Impregnated with the sacred orgone energy of you and your lovah, the sofa is a gift to the next generation.

4 // Embrace the shame and despair.

Keep your eyes down and take the money. Buy something uncomfortable, or make a donation to your chosen house of worship.

5 // Cleanse.

Drop three frankincense tears into equal parts witch hazel and cold spring water in a small stainless-steel spray bottle. Shake it. Shake it hard, for one minute or more. Spray. Spray it everywhere. Spray it like Veuve Clicquot on a Triple Crown racehorse. Spray it like Febreze.

You can find Sally Wilde on Twitter @sneaknsally

Gem Blackthorn is QMT's Sex Columnist, and the author/curator of Lust Thrust Thursdays. Send her your submissions and questions at sexsexsex [at] queenmobs.com