Like most of the world, I am still reeling from the results of the United States’ 2016 Presidential Election. As it relates to this column, the potential consequences it will have for what we choose to do in our bedrooms has not escaped me.
We’re gearing up for a wave of ridiculous bills, repeals and executive orders that will directly affect our bodies, homes and relationships. In honor of that, here are some ridiculous laws that either existed or still exist around the United States. Some of these laws are clearly not enforced. That doesn’t matter. Just think about each one. Think about the fact that they were once discussed. That they were written into the books. That they were deemed necessary at all.
No more than two sex toys in your home. So if you’re having that orgy, wait your turn!
In Tucson, women aren’t allowed to wear pants.
Women can’t wear high heels unless they have a permit from City Hall in the City of Carmel.
It’s illegal for unmarried women to go fishing by themselves.
Proving that the legislators of this state are traditionalists in every sense, it’s illegal to perform any sexual position apart from missionary. Might I suggest that you at least try some Kegel exercises and hip gyrating to compensate?
On a more serious note, North Carolina has taken extreme measures against LGBTQ and most especially against the Transgender community. It currently outlaws discrimination based on sexual orientation and gender identity for public employment, but discrimination is not prohibited for private businesses. Then there’s the horrific public bathroom bill that restricts a person to using the bathroom that aligns with the sex they were assigned at birth.
It’s illegal for women to wear patent leather shoes because men might see their underwear thanks to the reflection. Why not tell guys not to go through creepy lengths just to see some underwear?
In Schulter, it’s illegal for women to gamble in the nude, in lingerie or while wearing a towel. So basically, don’t lose at strip poker.
In the City of Willowdale, it is against the law for a man to swear while having sex with his wife. Good fucking luck with that.
In the City of Morrisville, women cannot wear cosmetics without a permit.
In Harrisburg, it is illegal to have sex with a truck driver inside a toll booth. Now you’re just giving us ideas, Pennsylvania.
It’s illegal for consenting, but unmarried, people to have sexual intercourse. There was also a “crimes against Nature” statute against oral sex. It was repealed in 2014. That certainly took a while.
In Connorsville, it is illegal for a man to shoot his gun while his partner is having an orgasm. Is this supposed to be euphemism for waiting until your partner has finished before you cum? Because at least that’s polite.
In Tremonton, it’s illegal to have sex while riding in an ambulance. As punishment, the woman’s name can be published in the newspaper. The man has no punishment.
Statewide, it’s illegal to have sex with anyone but your spouse. Oral, anal and masturbation are considered sodomy and could land you prison.
Who hurt you, Utah?
It is illegal to have sex with a virgin. Under any circumstances. Including the wedding night. But if you have sex with her, she’s no longer a virgin, so…?
Also, sex before marriage is illegal in South Carolina, North Carolina, Mississippi, Idaho, Georgia, Virginia and Massachusetts.
There are several other laws that I missed while compiling this list. Most of these are funny, some are scary – I’m looking at you, North Carolina – but these laws remind me that not all laws are enforceable, at least not forever. We can have sex before marriage. We can wear cosmetics. We can wear patent leather shoes. Laws against them seem ridiculous to us now. I hope we can reach a point where laws against human beings, LGBTQ and women’s rights will seem ridiculous, too. Hope is a big word this week. One that I’m almost afraid to use because I might not know its real definition anymore.
As a side note, the Electoral College officially votes on December 19.
Gem Blackthorn is QMT's Sex Columnist, and the author/curator of Lust Thrust Thursdays. Send her your submissions and questions at sexsexsex [at] queenmobs.com