Ways to Take the Cute Out of Parenting


  1. Always refer to pooping as “sharting.”


  1. Refer to baby’s “boob addiction”.


  1. Scream a description of the fluid coming out of your baby no matter where you are, e.g. “OH GOD, IT’S RUNNING DOWN THE AISLE!” on a bus, or “JESUS THAT’S GREEN!” at a wedding.


  1. Teach baby only swears, names of beers.


  1. Get four hours of broken sleep a night, and therefore be super grumpy/a total bummer/falling apart physically.


  1. Live in a crappy apartment on the corner of Lexington and 3rd that overlooks a car wash where a gang hangs out. Dress baby in gang colors so he fits in (gang color is black).


  1. Have an ugly baby, or better still, ugly twins!


  1. Have to care for baby until it’s an adult.


  1. Feed baby until baby is really overweight, like ridiculously so, like an elephant baby or something.


  1. Co-parent with a monster, an absolute f***ing monster.
Simon Pinkerton is a contributor at Queen Mob’s Tea House, duh. Also at McSweeney’s, Minor Literature[s] and Maudlin House among others. Love him @simonpinkerton on Twitter and www.simonpinkerton.tumblr.com on, um, Tumblr.

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