We left off last time with a nod at Rainbow Parties. A Rainbow Party is a party where girls each wear different color lipstick. Once they’ve all have a turn at fellatio, the penis ends up looking like a rainbow. It’s also, according to many sex researchers, an urban myth from the early ’00s.
Urban myths are important because they tell us where society’s hive mind lingers. The Rainbow Party myth strokes the male ego by fluffing the idea that the amount of women who want to give him a blow job is so great, there will be enough mouths to recreate ROYGBIV on his penis. This myth also strikes fear in the realm of overprotective parents, the same parents who believed their teenagers were letting colorful rubber bracelets dictate their sex lives at the time.
Rainbow Parties would make sense, wouldn’t they? Crotch close-ups are not particularly alluring and if glitter, gloss and every shade in the continuous spectrum of colors would make them more appealing, why wouldn’t we do it, be it at a party or in private?
My main question is, where is cunnilingus’ glossy and fabulous urban myth? Why does fellatio get a rainbow party, but cunnilingus gets Michael Douglas’ throat cancer? Cunnilingus needs better PR. It needs an urban myth to inspire lovers everywhere to gormandize their partner (side note: how many times can I use the phrase “gormandize your partner” before someone puts it on a t-shirt?)
This is similar to the 30-day squat challenge circling on Facebook and Instagram, but much less painful. How many mornings in a row can you eat your girl out? Vagina is the new coffee. Brothels are the new Starbucks. We all just need a little oral in the morning to wake up.
Alternative Elocution Lessons
Tongue twisters have nothing on what forty-five minutes between thigh-earmuffs can do for your articulation and pronunciation. Cunnilingus is the tongue’s P90X. The strength you’ll gain will make mandatory Public Speaking courses in college a lot more tolerable. Now, who needs a study buddy?
Extra Virgin Lickable Oil
We’ve all heard that semen has protein and other nutrients. Girls’ juices have the same thing, though you wouldn’t know it, since it’s so rarely mentioned. Add that to all the products available at your local adult store, such as flavored lube and lickable oils, and you have a warm and tasty treat. Who needs a bakery?
Cunnilingus is enjoyable for both parties, provided you actually care about her pleasure as much as you like receiving it. Yet, there are no cool myths about oral on women, or people preaching benefits apart from the obvious: that she likes it. Fellatio gets Rainbow Parties and a breakdown of nutritional facts. And nothing against the Rainbow Party myth. In theory, and provided the people involved are adults and not teenagers, it sounds like a great time. The problem is that the flip side of Rainbow Parties is not as thrilling or enticing. Cunnilingus doesn’t have cool urban myths. It has Michael Douglas as an unofficial spokesperson against it; a man who spent a lifetime of drinking and smoking and yet thinks oral is to blame for his throat cancer.
Let’s turn the table on this conversation.
Gem Blackthorn is Queen Mob's Sex Columnist