Bernie Sanders Comments on My Life

Presidential candidate, Sen. Bernie Sanders addresses my lifestyle choices.
Presidential candidate, Sen. Bernie Sanders addresses my lifestyle choices.


My Addiction to Breaking Bad


Let’s speak very honestly, for a brief moment, about Walter White. Or “Heisenberg.” Whatever, doesn’t matter. Point is: Here is a fellow who was a full-time worker, yet was forced, in our winner-take-all society, to sell crystal methamphetamine in order to pay his chemotherapy treatments and to support his family. I mean, come on. This should outrage any hard-working American. This was no local pot-dealer, folks, this was some big-time stuff. Now look: We must remind ourselves that in our culture, the reality is that far too many Americans work a 40-hour work week, and find that it is not enough to pursue a life of dignity. So the question we must ask ourselves is this: Do we want our nation to be full of the Heisenberg-type of American? Or, do we want to fix our rigged economy, so America’s young people–your Jesse Pinkmans and your Walter Jr.’s–can have a chance to reach a place of financial stability? A Bernie Sanders administration, I assure you, will fight for the latter.


My Diet


Look. I’ve been inside your car, and here’s what disturbs me: What I found, under the seat, were not one but several wrappers from corporate fast food chains. Now, I know a man’s gotta eat. I understand that. But what I don’t understand is how one man, over the course of a week, can eat an Egg McMuffin, an XXL Grilled Stuft Burrito from Taco Bell, a double bacon burger from Five Guys, a Gotta-Have-It cookie dough ice cream from Coldstone Creamery, a Big Gulp, and a large box of chicken fries from Burger King. These are the facts. Now, I, Bernie Sanders, I encourage Americans to seek out local farms and markets for fresh fruits and vegetables. There are hundreds upon hundreds of environmental scientists in this country coming forth with indisputable proof pointing to the existence of global warming, and I think it would be dangerous if, as Americans, we did not come together to pursue more sustainable forms of food production for our future.


My Decision, Every Time I Play Super Smash Bros., to Play as Pikachu


Look: I’m more of a Kirby guy, but that’s just me. Anyway, I’m not here to attack anyone’s opinion. I’d like to stick to discussing the issues.


My Vinyl Collection


I’d like to take a brief moment, if I may, to play Black Flag’s Damaged in its entirety. Henry Rollins is a true artist, a man who rose from a working class background to a place of great achievement as an activist and performer. He’s a guy I respect. But let’s not forget the millions of men and women in this country, who, unlike our buddy Henry, aren’t so fortunate as to escape to their oppressive conditions. We need to rid ourselves of the myth that hard-work is the sole factor of financial success. It is just simply not true. If we want to talk about what’s truly damaged, let’s discuss how some of my Republican friends want tax breaks for the billionaire class, while men and women, just like our buddy Henry, are forced to scoop Baskin-Robbins for 60 hours a week just to pay their bills. This is not an America that works for 99% of its people. It is a rigged America.

I’ll end with one simple request. After this record is done, I’d like to continue our important discussion while listening to my second favorite album all time: Rage Against the Machine’s Evil Empire.


I, Greg Letellier, would like to take this opportunity to politely decline Ted Cruz’s generous offer to join his "Ayn Rand is My Spirit Animal” Reading Group (or, as Jeb Bush calls it, “The Bestest Friends Club.”). It’s not you, Teddy. It’s me. 

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