Just Farther Away

After talking to me all night at the 24 hr party in Montreal, where I screened Love Sounds, he says: You’re so exciting to talk to.

I say: Yeah, well.

Then I sigh, roll my eyes, turn my head. I’ve heard this all my life. He’s instantly and deeply smitten. I know it’s true, but I don’t believe him. Or I don’t believe there is any way this story turns out differently until it does and I don’t how or when that will be. And I’m not going to press down hard on anything. I’m not there anymore. I’m not even looking, trying. I’m just happy to feel okay when I do. And there is also the mark you’ve left, how it’s tempered my quest, taken the flame out of it, and that makes it impossible to start something up again with anyone new right now. I just don’t want or need to as much as I want it to all work out in the end. My life. Soon it will be 3 months and I can feel it fading into I don’t know what. Just farther away.

Kathy Acker in I’m Very Into You:

…remembering how I woke up with your hands around my head, how rare that is, usually in few-night-stands people perfunctorily (wrong spelling) embrace and roll away from each other, hands on my head, around, that exquisiteness of caring.

It. Was. Like. This.

Crossposted with Love Dog. Photo from Masha Tupitsyn’s Love Sounds, 2015.

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