Rich Old White Men in Alleyways Pouring Tea Over Their Privates: Donald Trump

How long have you been Scottish for?

a long time, Claire. I mean, really, Claire, if you think you’re going to win this competition you better step up your game.* In fact all of Ivanka’s good looks and intelligence come from the Emerald Isle.

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yeah, Scotland runs through the bunkers and fairways and high-end condos and green fees of my renaissance and bonnie brain and blood. ya hear me, Angus ??  ya hear me ???

Do you regularly play pinball?

it’s common, knowledge, Drains, that the rousing Who song (“mean pinball”) was modeled after my brilliant real estate dealings. I’m on tilt Clarice, I’m on tilt!

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But, really, if you think you’re gonna win this thing you better start calling all yr wealthy friends and tell them to donate. Are you a good person, Drains? Are you a humanitarian?? Do you know of a good wig maker ???

What’s your X360 Gamertag?

I play under a multitude of names because well I’m super complicated, composed of liefs and lives that I lieve, live, in the woods, squawking. In a nice house in Maine. Or, on the road, spreading the gospel.  Selling the dream. Scoring. Scoring. Boost! Boost! But yeah I still make time to play. In all these voices!

And, so, yeah, whatever, here are a just a few of my favorite things, I mean tags:

—-Chief Trade Negotiator
—-Bring The Pride Back
—-Je Suis Charles De Gaule Bladder Oo-La-La
—-Miss Universe Bahamas Scratch My Back O yeah Yeah yeah
—-The Hair Mater
—-Busy w/ Car Show Meeting Yeah
—-Look on My Hair & Despair Ra
—-Saving You All One Putt at a Time $$$
—-Fine as Huckabee-B-bee Hotdogs and Papas Gracias
—-Five Diamond Black Lives Matter
—-Who Let The Dogs Lout???
—-I LurVv Tea(Party) Bagging Mamma Mia xoxoxoxo

and my personal favorite

—-Israel’s Cow Sugar              (a personal joke between myself and my passionate wife. don’t even try to figure it out. It’s smarter than Austin Powers. or Fantastic Mr. Fox. Yeah, I’m dumb as a fox!!!!)

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How many coffee beans are there in Trump Tower?

I’m still talking to my advisers but yeah I’m pretty sure I’m gonna run. 4 President, ra ra ra. But let me tell you about some of my great “Spring Travel Ideas.” And about my restaurant. O, Clarice! O, my lovely Drains!! We have so much to talk about.

Come over for a cup of tea. I’m in the hot tub now. It’s really lush.

My hair’s never looked better. I’m counting bean after bean. They’re all so beautiful.

Who’s gonna ride my wild horses, Claire??   (hint: ya knows I’m a Scot, eh??)


Have you read many of Walt Whitman’s recent poems?

You mean Stevie Roggenbuck?? But, really, the one about the bird makes me cry.

I walked on the beach and thought of Joan Rivers. I mean I miss the Fashion Police. They were always very kind to me. And of course. I mean, look at me! And I can see you, my Drains, “watching you watching me.” (remember that time with Flo-Rida and all that baby oil???)

Whitman’s telling me to be brave. Whitman is my wine.

Whitman lives in my casinos. Lives in every chip. Every blade of well-leveraged grass.

And you’re fired, Claire.     This hurts me.       But, yes, you’re fired.

*- editor's note: we have no idea if The Don here is referring to the Miss Universe Pageant or The Apprentice, his sublimely presidential television show. Or if it's just a bit of friendly "hair" banter.

Bio: Donald Trump likes to cuddle

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