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Dear Ramon:

I don’t like to eat burritos while simultaneously masturbating in front of my roommate’s Thurl Ravenscroft eight-track collection and peeing in the shower during the Yuletide season. Am I normal?

I don’t.   (turn—seismic)

Jennifer (aka No. 14), 40-[muffles mouth], Long Island, NY

Dear Jennifer,

No, you’re not normal. There are, in theory, zero Americans just like you. But I’m not going to say that. Instead, we need to examine the data regarding hand-wringing suburbanites with seasonally dictated sexual predilections so we can get the big picture. We need to control for your overall gluttony and urethral neuroses to determine if your aversion to south-of-the-border she-bopping is heavily correlated or directly caused by your willingness to trade in a Rick Perry handshake for a Katy Perry “Harlem Shake.”

I was able to extract everything you need to know on this topic in two minutes (about the time it will take you to read this article out loud—60 if you’re Morley Safer or suffer from Locust Valley lockjaw). Let’s begin by fleshing out (callback!) our demographic. Please answer the following:

Pick a genre:

a) Yodeling cowboys
b) Top 41
e) Louis Farrakhan calypso
f) Mariah Carey pre-Glitter
g) Mariah Carey post-Glitter
h) Biebs

What’s your favorite “Burr” or “Ito” expression?

1. a) “Pitbulls are like a gun you can pet.” —Comedian Bill Burr
2. b) “Vile country, destitute of springs and of running water—think of drinking the nasty puddle-water, covered with green scum, and full of animalculae—bah!” —Former VP Aaron Burr
3. c) “Brrr, brrr brrr, brrr brrr/Brrr, brrr brrr, brrr brrr/Brrr, brrr brrr, brrr brrr/ Brrr, brrr brrr, brrr brrr/”—“Brrr” by Gucci Manec) “Brrr, brrr brrr, brrr brrr/Brrr, brrr brrr, brrr brrr/Brrr, brrr brrr, brrr brrr/ Brrr, brrr brrr, brrr brrr/”—“Brrr” by Gucci Mane
4. e) “Yo, let’s repolarize.” —I_to(cardiac transient outward potassium current) after a few frozen margaritas
5. d) “If you take the cameras out of the courtroom, then you hide, I think, a certain measure of truth from the public.” —Judge Lance Ito

That’s it. That’s it. Because there are no avocados to anagram (there’s still a shortage). There’s no time for this. Here’s how to wrap a baby burrito, in just slightly over the allotted time we mentioned earlier. Pliny was right! Create as many as you can. O, cad ova!

———-Wait. Hold up. This just in:

GUACAMOLE-LESS BURRITO FOUND IN MURRAY HEAD-LESS BAR.  (ombudsman/drunk hulk/noteworthy/noteworthy/noteworthy—

Disregard. That was strictly anecdot—

BREAKING NEWS! The four gaseous emissions that just wafted from your bum are NOT from the burrito you just ate. Experts say…

…click here to see the 10 best beach-body burritos without makeup! Facebook forum! Britney Spears! (AA).  still being a girl. fish tacos at Ruby Tuesday? Not fish burritos—fish TACOS.

What is the probability that Robin Thicke is really Andy Kaufman, and The Walrus is…Paula?

Is the best part of breakin’ up makin’ up? I want numbers. 1? 2? Pie?

Am I going to make it?    Are you going to make it? —–

——Dear Ramon(a): I just spent slightly more than two minutes making up these questions. Am I normal?

An obsidian eruption, all radiance blocked by cosmic cumbra?

Inconclusive. That’s fancy for “shit if I know.” And the data suggests (or                  ?!) you’re still not normal. Crank up Tony the Tiger, inject five Modelos into your blood and ride that five-legged pony like you’re Ginuwine after the Apocalypse.

Hope the numbing helps,

Ramon, Pregnant, Over the Age of 35         *married to clever, tranquil   base-relief

 

Jenn Gidman is an honors grad of STFU. She earned a “D” in her first and only poetry class, made two kids, likes bonfires, and is still trying to figure out the Frank Bidart/James Franco connection.