MISFIT DOC: One Weird Trick To Convince Your Date You’re Not A Lizard-Person

  • Make conversation by using your voice; use your arms for gesturing, instead of push-ups. Try not to squat up and down too much. Refrain from hissing when possible. If you have it, save the neck-fringe display for more intimate moments, like making out, or arguing about reality television.
  • Don’t sit in your food when you eat. Don’t grab pieces of food with your tongue. Remember – your date probably doesn’t want to steal your food, so tone down the lunging. Smile a lot, more than you probably think you should. Laugh a bit because eating together is fun! Right?!
  • If you have to lick your eyeball, do so behind a napkin, or a book. Say, “Oh, I think I feel a sneeze coming…” then lick your eyes quickly. If you have to do this repeatedly because you’re a gecko, just say, “Ugh, allergies.”
  • Remember – your fingers are there for holding and touching all sorts of things, not just grasping onto walls and branches.
  • In fact, try to stay away from walls entirely around your date. You are probably the only one who can climb them, and that might alienate your date. 
  • Sit on chairs, or the floor. Sure, if someone invites you to sit on a countertop or table, go for it – but if it’s warm, refrain from basking.
  • Try to shed your skin before you go out. Your skin will look fresh and slick, which may be attractive to your date. If you can’t avoid him/her seeing you shed, just explain that it’s part of your health care regimen; “I’m doing a peel, it’s really effective!” Shrug it off, literally.
  • If you’re going outdoors together, keep the bug-catching at “entertainment” levels. Say things like, “I wonder if I can catch that fly over there on that rock?” and amaze your date when you easily do. If you must eat what you catch, make comments about “good protein” and “eating clean.”. Avoid mosquito or moth-prone areas, as these tend to be overwhelmingly attractive, to the point of distraction, and your date may start to get suspicious.
  • Falling asleep in high or low temperatures is completely acceptable, so don’t worry about that. Complaints about cold hands and feet may lead to sympathy, perhaps even warmth-sharing behavior in your date, so go for it!
  • If your date asks questions, feign ignorance of all aspects of lizard life. “Herpetology? Sounds contagious.” “I enjoy the occasional nap in the sun and maybe a toasted mealworm now and then, but who doesn’t?” “Just because I puff up a bit and maybe extend my throat skin when I get excited has nothing to do with being a lizard-person.” “I thought you like it when I bite your neck during sex? Ok, ‘attach myself to your neck with my mouth’ is probably more accurate. But I’ll stop, if that’s what you want.”
  • When in doubt, blame it on global warming. “We’re all going to be lizard-people in fifty years, anyway.” Beat a hasty retreat to a nearby patch of ivy.


Marissa Maciel is a writer and illustrator; her works are listed here.

Submit a comment