Welcome to the sandy planet of Tatooine, or more likely the sleeping mind of an addled lit major. Today, two titans of the literary world, Sylvia Plath and the Sarlacc Pit face each other in affair of honor: the eating competition.

The foods are chosen at random, and I’m told everything from a thimble full of steamed lentils to an yurt made of beef jerky could be on the menu today.

Is that right? Charlie, who told you that there could be a sparse amount of lentils in an eating competition? You’re fired, more importantly, you disgust me, and you can take your thimbled lentils with you.

Now, I want to emphasize, this competition is not about eating a lot. Anyone can eat a hundred hot dogs in ten minutes time. I did just an hour ago and didn’t break a sweat. This is about eating well. You will find that when I judge our competitors, I will take into account such categories as style, form, and – –

Do you hear that? The klaxon has sounded! It has already begun! The food is upon us!

 

ROUND 1: MARSHMALLOWS

Sylvia is really thoughtfully biting into the marshmallow, as if making a note of its texture, but meanwhile on our live feed, you can see that the Sarlacc is inhaling what I’ve been informed are a thousand marshmallows. IT JUST SPIT OUT A HUGE SLURRY OF MARSHMALLOW ALL OVER THE CROWD. A CROWD THAT IS WILDLY CHEERING THAT THIS IS AWESOME!

Sir or Madam Sarlacc, the point goes to you.

 

ROUND 2: TACOS

OH MY GOD THEY JUST BACKED UP A WHOLE DUMP TRUCK OF TACOS AND DROPPED THEM IN THE SARLACC AND TENTACLES SHOT OUT AND GRABBED THEM OH MY GOD THAT’S CRAZY THAT IS SO MANY TACOS.

Something I should mention, while the Sarlacc Pit is clearly eating these tacos, they’re not going to be digested for some time, I’m told it’s over the course of a thousand years. Fascinating. And you thought that last night’s frittata wasn’t sitting well. The reason for this is – –

Wait . . . does anybody hear – –  there’s something flying overhead. It’s some kind of airship and IT’S DROPPING BURRITOS! BURRITOS!

Dropping burritos in the taco round? CAN SUCH A THING BE DONE? It does not appear to matter to the Sarlacc. What humility that monster has.

I think Sylvia wrote something down, her taco pile is just sitting there, attracting wamp rats. Sad, really.

 

ROUND 3: GIANT NOVELTY PASTA

WHAAAAAT? GIGANTO PASTA ROPES? Whaaaat? I did not even know they made this!! How do you make pasta that big? That is crazy! It would take me my entire life to eat just one of these noodles!

And Big Sarl just ate it all up! Go Big Sarl! That’s a nickname I made up, for a monster that is basically a mouth that lives in sand and kind of smells like a maltreated urinal in a butcher shop during the dog days of August. I think the monster would agree that’s fair.

Do you think the Sarlacc can move around? Will this moving Sarlacc be explored in the new movies? Will it eat a new or old kind of lightsaber? And why is Jabba obsessed with having monsters around to eat people? He has them inside of his palace, he has them outside of his palace . . .

I have no idea where Sylvia went.

 

BOBA FETT

NO!!!!!

*Sobs*

I’m sorry, I don’t mean to get so emotional, I just . . . I just . . . I really like Boba Fett. I know he’s a bounty hunter. I know he disintegrates people. I still just like him.  Everybody likes him. He’s the reason I’m wearing this helmet. I don’t understand why anything, even a giant vagina mouth, would just eat him in one gulp. One gulp! And that’s it.

You live a life on the lam, being awesome, and then you’re swallowed by a giant mouth in the ground that’s never even left its home planet. Meaningless. It doesn’t even know how to read.

Speaking of which, there’s something I’d like to read right now. It’s an excerpt, really an homage to a notable work by a poet who seems to be just wandering Tatooine, unmoored, possibly offended in a some capacity. It might even be my fault in some small way. Ahem . . . .

 

Boba, I have had to kill you.

You died before I had time——

Marble-heavy, a bounty hunter full of God,

Ghastly statue with one gray toe

Big as an AT-AT

 

. . . I’m sorry. I can’t read any more. May the food be with you.

 

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Evan Johnston is one half of www.tablesforone.com.