Yale Admission
Your child deserves the best…and the best means Yale. But applying for college admission is hard. And frankly, you know he won’t get in anyway. Sure, you could send him to the local community college, but it’s time for him to fly the coop, leave the nest, get out of your hair. Look, you’ve done your job. Now let someone else do his job. That college admission is within your reach! You’ve got the money, we’ve got the time and the know-how! Act now and we’ll also throw in a prep school diploma and a few award plaques. No, we know he didn’t go to prep school or win any awards of any description. But let us worry about that. You start packing him up!
Houston’s First Black Friend
The only people of color your kids come in contact with are paid. But you know that reeks of wealth, privilege and, somehow, racism. Sure Houston loves rap, but he just doesn’t have the “street cred” to pull it off and he’s starting to complain that it’s your fault. Worry no more, concerned parents! Shut him up by setting him up with any number of verifiable ‘people of color’ (say that, not black, OK?), from a light-toned, well-educated Jamal to a darker, more intense, confusing speaking DeShawn. Houston doesn’t need to know that they’re paid actors – just that he is cool enough to parade his black friends around in public to prove he’s woke.
New! LatinX Friends Bonus Section
Sailing Certificate…without the unfun classes!
You have the sailboat. You already pay the docking fees. Jackson looks great in white. (That tan really sets it off.) His friends love hanging at your pad, drinking your booze, molesting your help. Wouldn’t they all look great on your boat, sailing off into the sunset, leaving you alone to prey upon the help instead? Sure you need qualifications to sail. Or do you? We here at the Catalog of Wealth and Privilege say “not if you’re the right kind of person”. And guess what? You are!
His Own Garage Band – Now with Gigs!
Nic loves music and you want to encourage his healthy interests. Everyone knows that learning music makes you smarter, and playing in a band makes you cool! But it takes hours and hours of “woodshedding” to “shred” and frankly, there’s just too much YouTube to watch and pot to smoke. This month only CWP is offering a 15% discount on our popular “Build a Band” package. This comes with certified-tested drummer, guitarist, drummer, and a singer! Keep Nic’s mic off and let-
Liz Merrill is a professional oboe player who loves to write. Her writing has appeared in Slackjaw, The M Word, This Glorious Mess, and elsewhere. You can find more of her writing at https://lizmerrill.com/.