“There was some girl crying at the party and I told her to turn her frown upside down and she told me to fuck off.”

“That’s the reason I don’t go kayaking. I always hear of teachers’ husbands dying in kayak accidents.”

“You know how viruses are alive, but technically dead? That’s pretty much what cats are.”

“Also, I applied for a job at Costco. Hell yeah for being a recent college grad.”

“The moral of the story is fuck Mark Zuckenburg.”

“Eventually Rhett just put my beer on his tab, and I yelled ‘hey waitress, keep the change.’”

“Every other 7-year-old was drawing pictures of things near and dear to their life, like their dad or something, and I drew a tornado, because that was what ruled my life at the time.”

“And I was all, ‘I’m sorry, Juicy J, but that would not be conducive to my studies.’”

“I called my brother a diabetic piece of shit and that was what enacted the first punch.”

“If you turn off Scarface after the montage halfway through, it’s actually a pretty good story about a man who achieves his dreams.”

“The moral of the story is Crossfit is a cult.”

“Had to do that multiple times and break multiple Zulu warrior hearts.”

“I’m at Costco right now. I used to consider this place a church. Now it seems like much much less.”

“I’m covering for a guy on a couple of clients. He donated a kidney. Everyone is calling him a saint, but I still resent him for it.”

“I worked through Tuesday with a fever of 101.5 degrees. I’m not saying I’m Michael Jordan, but I’m pretty goddamn close… The end of this analogy is that he is Derrick Rose.”

“The moral of the story is there is no moral. Don’t let anyone tell you any different.”

Joshua Bohnsack is an MFA candidate at Northwestern University. He ran an ice cream shop in rural Illinois until he moved to Chicago.