SAY WHAT?

Halp!!

I’m clarvoyent (sic) so I can help other people with health and thiroid (sic) because I’m really experience (sic). I can tell from your shoes how your family is all fucked up and your flip-flops and how you should fix your life. My dead grandmother talks to me at night and says eat quinoah (sic) to nuke the heliobacters (sic) screwing up my gut so I eat tons every day but my runs are worse. What does your dead grandmother say? – P. Yucca

Woah, P. Yucca,

My deceased grandparents do not speak because they are dead. Also, if ghosts communicated with me, it wouldn’t be about bathroom issues. I assume you’re already seeing an endocrinologist and/or a gastroenterologist. Ask either one to refer you to a mental health professional.

*

Halp!!

Is Satan real? – Lucy

Dear Lucy,

Envy, arrogance, greed, depravity, and sloth are real. Satan can be a dissatisfied neighbor, your work colleague, the corner merchant, a cult leader, or that grinning clown in the garish Lycra who’s sweating too close to you at the gym. Hell on Earth. Keep your distance. Carry a pitchfork. Wear a mask.

*

Halp!!

I just love inspirational memes. Do you have any good ones for me? – Justa Librarian

Sorry, Justa,

I don’t do memes. Read a book for a change. Here are some good ones:

The Predatory Animal Ball by Jennifer Fliss

Processed Meats by Nicole Walker

Blind Man’s Bluff by James Tate Hill

Genia Blum is a Swiss Ukrainian Canadian writer, translator, and dancer. Her work has been anthologized, published widely in literary journals, and received Pushcart Prize and Best of the Net nominations. “Slaves of Dance,” based on excerpts from her memoir in progress, was named a “Notable Essay” in The Best American Essays 2019. Find @geniablum on Twitter and Instagram or visit her website: geniablum.com