LAMB, BFF OR MUTTON?

Halp!!

A friend told me rich people are all about theater not just museums and I can find a CEO BF at the opera. It was dark and you’re not allowed to talk until the lights go on and everyone gets drinks at the bar and this guy says what do you think of poocheeny and I’m like what? and the friend who said I should dress fancy calls me mutton dressed as lamb overdressed for opera. She’s just jealous!!! so not currently a BFF. Next time I’ll wear a boring dress OK. Hopefully it won’t hike up but what about bling and how do I sound smart at intermission? – Donna Wanna

Dear Donna,

Have you seen the TikToker who stops skirts from riding up by misting their thighs with hairspray? No? Your cheap bling is not the real problem. Do you want to educate yourself about opera? No? Here are some book recommendations anyway:

Avidly Reads Opera by Alison Kinney

The Queen’s Throat by Wayne Koestenbaum

The Dictionary of the Opera by Charles Osborne

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Halp!!

My eyebrows have disappeared. Where are they? – Mena P.

Hi Mena,

Your eyebrows have left town and are not coming back. Unless you’re a real diva like my Aunt Irena, a former opera singer who rocked expressive arches right into her old age, don’t even consider drawing them on with black pencil or getting eyebrow tattoos. Not everyone can pull off that look.

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Halp!!

Does BF stand for boyfriend or is it short for best friend and what is a BFF? – B. S.

Dear B. S.,

Google is your BFF. Stop wasting my time.

Genia Blum is a Swiss Ukrainian Canadian writer, translator, and dancer. Her work has been anthologized, published widely in literary journals, and received Pushcart Prize and Best of the Net nominations. “Slaves of Dance,” based on excerpts from her memoir in progress, was named a “Notable Essay” in The Best American Essays 2019. Find @geniablum on Twitter and Instagram or visit her website: geniablum.com