Don’t Get Your Hopes Up by Charles Dickens

Maybe Try Knitting or Pilates Instead by Gustave Flaubert

On Second Thought, Let’s Not Drink All the Alcohol by Evelyn Waugh

Jazz Sarcasm by Dorothy Parker

Don’t Mess with a Gardener by J. R. R. Tolkien

It’s Time to Consult ‘Ask a Manager’ by Charlotte Brontë

They Talk About It Constantly, But They Never Actually Get There by Virginia Woolf

Classism, Racism, Sexism…and Smugglers! by Enid Blyton

Wild Animals I Have Killed by Ernest Thompson Seton

Slutty Alcoholic Detective by Dashiell Hammett

Lazy Deadbeat Gold-digging Homicide Apologist by Daphne Du Maurier

Animals Be Misbehavin’ by H.H. Munro (Saki)

Infectious Stalker Sex-Pest by Gabriel García Márquez

She’s Just Not That into You by Edmond Rostand

Spectral Solutions for Reducing Income Inequality by Charles Dickens

Motherfucker by Sophocles

Sarah Totton‘s humorous work has appeared in McSweeney’s Internet Tendency, Slackjaw, Points in Case, Little Old Lady Comedy, and the Funny Fantasy anthology (UFO Publishing, 2016). She was named the Regional Winner (for Canada & the Caribbean) in the 2007 Commonwealth Short Story Competition and was a top ten finalist for this year’s Baen Fantasy Adventure Award.

Her website can be found here: www.sarahtotton.com