(I)

“Doctor says we have problems.”

“Who?”

“Doctor, my doctor.”

“The dermatologist?”

“No. The psychotherapist.”

**

“Doctor says I should be more enthusiastic in bed”

“Who?”

“Doctor. My doctor”

“The gastroenterologist?”

“No. The psychotherapist.”

“How is she in bed?”

“What?”

“She seems to be a slut.”

**

“Doctor says I should be more assertive.”

“Who?”

“Doctor. My doctor.”

“The urologist?”

“No. The psychotherapist.”

“Is she a dominatrix?”

“What?”

“I think she likes to ride.”

**

“Doctor says I should give up on you.”

“Who?”

“Doctor. My doctor.”

“The cardiologist?”

“No. The psychotherapist.”

“She might have a point…”

“You think?”

“…or probably she wants me for herself.”

**

“Doctor says that you are a sex maniac”

“Who?”

“Doctor. My doctor.”

“The orthopaedist?”

“No. The psychotherapist.”

“She finds me irresistible.”

“What?”

“Her pussy screams out for me.”

**

“Doctor says living with you is the reason for my depersonalisation.”

“Who?”

“Doctor. My doctor.”

“The neurologist?”

“No. The psychotherapist.”

“I think you should start seeing another psychotherapist.”

“Why?”

“Because this one is not helping.”

 

(II)

“Doctor says I am sabotaging this marriage.”

“Who?”

“Doctor. My Doctor.”

“The ophthalmologist?”

“No. The psychotherapist.”

“The new one?”

“Yes.”

“Is she hot?”

“He.”

“Who?”

“The psychotherapist is a he, not she.”

“Is he hot?”

“I don’t know.”

“Are you attracted to him?”

“I don’t know.”

**

“Doctor says you do not see me for who I am.”

“Who?”

“Doctor. My doctor.”

“The radiologist?”

“No. The psychotherapist.”

“Does he see you?”

“Yes, he does.”

“Naked?”

“No.”

“I think he wants to.”

**

“Doctor says we need counselling.”

“Who?”

“Doctor. My doctor.”

“The podiatrist?”

“No. The psychotherapist.”

“Does he have a big penis?”

“I have not seen it.”

“You want to see it, don’t you?”

“Maybe.”

 

(III)

“I want to have sex and she doesn’t. She is the problem.”

“Human body disgusts me.”

“All bodies?”

“Mostly all.”

“Your own body?”

“Yes, that also.”

“How do you have sex with someone who is perpetually disgusted?”

“Do you think it is dirty?”

“Are you a dirty girl?”

**

“Do you want it?”

“No.”

“Do you want it now?”

“No.”

“It has been a month. Now?”

“No.”

“It has been three months. Now?”

“Maybe.”

**

“It starts with me staring into space”

“Then?”

“Then I latch onto something.”

“Meaning?”

“I keep looking at one thing.”

“Then?”

“Then it seems like that one thing throws out magnetic strings that attach to my skull and pull at my brain.”

“And?”

 

(IV)

“I did not mean to fuck her.”

“Who?”

“My colleague.”

“Which colleague?”

“The one who visited us.”

“The one who reads?”

“Yes.”

“Did you ask her what she is reading these days?”

“No. I just fucked and left.”

“That is not very nice of you.”

**

“A good marriage is like music, it flows.”

“Ours just blows. Haha!”

“What do you think can be done?”

“Listening, listening to each other with compassion.”

“What about smartphones, laptops and TV?”

“Neither of the partners should be using them while the other one is talking.”

“But she talks all the time!”

“Both of you need to practice some restraint.”

“But that is not who I am!”

**

(I am a shining star unwilling to give away my glow.)

**

“Your hair is everywhere.”

“So is yours.”

**

 

(V)

“I am writing poems.”

“About what?”

“About when we met first.”

“Why?”

“I want to remember those months.”

“How much do you remember?”

“Most of it, the walks, the dinners, the conversations, the afternoons spent cooking or lying naked together.”

“I only remember how confused and uncertain you were.”

“Are you trying to hurt me?”

“Yes.”

 

(VI)

“Doctor says I feed on my anxiety.”

“Who?”

“My doctor.”

“The therapist?”

“Yes. He says I feed on my anxiety.”

“Why? Is there not enough food in the house?”

“Nothing is as palatable as my anxiety.”

**

“Did I do this to you?”

“Yes.”

“But I don’t remember.”

“You did this while sleeping.”

“I scratched your face so hard?”

“It seemed like you wanted to peel off the skin.”

“You didn’t resist?”

“At first I thought it was a dream.”

“But I woke up when I felt my skin burn from your nails.”

**

“Doctor says we can’t be violent to each other.”

“Not even in dreams?”

“No, not even in our subconscious.”

“That is tough. I might have to fuck my colleague again.”

“The reading girl?”

“Yes.”

“Please ask her this time.”

“What?”

“Ask her what she is reading.”

**

“Aren’t you angry or jealous?”

“If I am, I cannot decipher the feeling.”

“What do you mean?”

“On most days, I am a mass of emotions, on other days, I am nothing, when I am a mass of emotions, it is difficult to isolate particular emotions, when I am nothing, I am nothing.”

“What is it like when you are nothing?”

“Actually, may be that is not the best word to describe it, I am more like a stationary object on those days, merging into the background.”

“If you are an object, can anybody pick you up?”

“I aspire to it.”

“Can anybody throw you about?”

“I would like to think so.”

“Do you want to be this object?”

“I can’t want or unwant it, it happens on its own.”

 

(VII)

“Have children.”

“Why?”

“Because it is necessary.”

“Why?”

“Because bloodline, inheritance, name, need, motherhood…”

“Those are just words.”

“They are facts.”

“I can only see words rattling off your tongue, sans meaning.”

“Why?”

“Because climate change, excess, deforestation, poverty, apocalypse…”

“Those are just words.”

“They are facts.”

**

“Have children.”

“Hmmm…”

“You must. Your body is changing.”

“From what to what?”

“From lizard to crocodile.”

“Will I be static for days in the future?”

“Yes.”

“That is a relief.”

“But children should be had.”

“I can only dream of stillness in the future.”

“But frolic, family, fatherhood”

“But stillness.”

 

(VIII)

“We should not have got married.”

“Who told us to?”

“Did someone tell?”

“No one did.”

“We should have just let it be.”

“Someone told us to.”

“Who did?”

“Someone. I don’t remember.”

“WHO?”

“I DON’T REMEMBER.”

 

“You are forgetting.”

“What?”

“That we got married.”

“I don’t remember.”

“What?”

“That we got married.”

“When?”

“What?”

“When did we get married?”

“A while ago.”

“When exactly?”

“Yesterday I think.”

“That is not ‘a while’!”

“It is.”

“Can we ask someone else?”

“What?”

“If they remember ‘when exactly’?”

“Let us ask the statue at the venue.”

“Have you forgotten?”

“What?”

“That statues don’t talk.”

“They say it happened five years ago.”

“In the middle ages?”

“That was more than five hundred years ago.”

“When was five years ago?”

“Five years ago was…five years ago.”

“When there were stars in the sky?”

“Absolutely.”

“And fish in the sea?”

“Most definitely.”

“And smartphones?”

“Most…not sure.”

“I know the answer.”

“To what?”

“To ‘when’.”

“When?”

“It happened when it was dark.”

“How do we save this?”

“With sugar I think.”

“How do we keep it alive?”

“Regular shaving.”

 

**

 

Shivani Mutneja teaches English Literature at Symbiosis College of Arts and Commerce, Pune. Her poems have appeared in The Literateur, Nether Magazine, Radius (from Center to the Edge) and The Brown Critique. Her non-fiction and fiction can be found in Pendora Magazine and Jellyfish Review.  She is also on Medium.