After an embarrassing Twitter mishap in summer 2013, former Representative Anthony Weiner called a press conference to admit to sending racy pictures to women over the internet. He was then caught two times after that sending pictures of his penis to women other than his wife. After the third time–made public this week–his wife decided to leave him. Back during his 2013 press conference, while Weiner answered questions, his penis was below, likewise, responding to questions. Here we present the previously inaudible answers of Rep. Weiner’s penis.
Q: Congressman, do you expect to stay as congressman, or should you go ahead and resign?
WEINER’s Wiener: You know, I hope he does resign. I want to get into movies. I figure, I’ve already proven that I’m photogenic, maybe I’ll try some acting. Check out this impression I’ve been working on, Denzel Washington in Training Day: “I’m putting cases on all you Weiners! Shoe program, Weiner! Pelican Bay! I’m the Weiner up in this piece! King Weiner ain’t got shit on me!”
Q: Congressman, you explained that you texted or tweeted before you were married and after you were married. But you were a member of Congress before you were married. Do you think it was inappropriate because you were married?
WW: Naw, it wasn’t inappropriate before he got married. How do you think my man Weiner Dawg got her to marry him in the first place? He took photo after photo of me and sent them to her on Facebook. It was a beautiful courtship. Who wouldn’t fall in love with this handsome face?
Q: Then why –
WW: You keep asking why, why, why. I have some questions myself. Like, why did Weiner put me in those stupid, stupid gray shorts? I told him I looked dumb. I mean, if you’re going to send around photos of your genitals, dress them up a little. He could have put me in a nice tuxedo or something. Anything but those stupid gray shorts.
(Cross talk.)
Q: But why would you do this after you’re married? You know it’s — you know it’s wrong. The question people, your constituents, and a lot of us have is, what were you thinking?
WW: Can I answer this one? I can’t let my man take the blame. At the time, I was doing most of the thinking.
(Cross talk.)
Q: Congressman—
Q: Did you use government resources for this kind of activity? And if so, is that a violation of the public trust?
WW: You heard my man, of course not
Q: You didn’t use congressional phones, congressional email? You didn’t tweet on congressional time?
WW: Oh, well yeah, if you’re gonna count the congressional phone and the congressional e-mail and the time Weiner should have been working, but other than that we did our thing completely without government resources.
(Cross talk.)
Q: Andrew Breitbart was standing up more than 20 minutes ago and implied that he had an X-rated photo of you. Can you say that is not true?
WW: He still has those? Look, I sent that to him a very long time ago. I was confused and trying different things. That was a very hectic time in my life.
Q: Congressman, why lie about it so long?
WW: That’s what I was telling my man. Apparently, he never heard of the Reverse Pinocchio Theory, that’s when you lie about your lil’ buddy and it does the opposite of what happens to Pinocchio’s nose when he lies. For the past 10 days I’ve been shrinking like I was in cold water.
Q: Well, Congressman—
(Cross talk.)
Q: (Off mic) — and I’d like to ask you, do you think you should check yourself into some kind of a clinic to get at some kind of help or counseling to help you get over this?
WW: Clinic? What kind of ques— Look, those bumps are just pimples. Nothing more. A little Clearasil and they’ll go away. Next question.
Q: Congressman, will your marriage survive?
Q: Congressman? Congressman? Congressman, your wife is not here. Are you going to split up with your wife because of this?
WW: Split up? Of course not. “Another Weiner picture and she’ll love me again.” Did you catch that impression? Al Pacino in Scarface. Man, get me in front of a camera. I’m ready for my close up. Wait, that didn’t come out right.
Q: Where is she?
WW: She’s not really talking to him too much. I sent her some pictures of myself through Facebook this morning. She’s probably at home looking at them, remembering when we were happy.
Q: Do you have anything to say to Andrew Breitbart?
WW: No, but you know who else deserves an apology? Deez muthafuckin’ nuts! Get it? Remember the skit from that Dr. Dre album? But seriously, I believe me and the testicles were wronged in this situation and also deserve some sort of an apology.
Q: But after Elliot Spitzer, why the decision to do such a thing, especially as a member of public office?
WW: Don’t compare my man to Spitzer. There are some major differences between what happened with Spitzer and what happened with us. First of all, Spitzer actually got some. Weiner just had sexy conversations accompanied by crotch shots. Whoa, that’s really, really lame once you say it out loud.
Q: When Chris Lee sent that photo and was caught and had to resign, did that make you stop and think, maybe I shouldn’t be doing this because I could be caught next? Did that ever go through your mind?
WW: Chris Lee, that guy is pathetic. Stupid muscle pics? Give me a— Oh, Weiner sent muscle pics too? I’m so embarrassed.
Q: When did you tell your wife? When did you tell your wife?
WW: Well, she’s brushing her teeth and Weiner says: “Honey, remember those gray shorts you bought me for Christmas…”
Weiner Dawg starts to tell her and she cuts him off and says she has some news of her own. But Weiner’s all like, “Please, let me go first.” And she’s like, “No, let me go.” They go back and forth for a while and she’s smiling. Finally, they decide to go at the same time. So at the exact same moment she says, “I’m pregnant,” he says, “I’ve been sending pictures of my penis to women on the internet.”
Q: Why did you get involved in this activity? Were you lonesome, were you alone a lot?
WW: I’m glad you asked that. In those stupid gray shorts it’s just me, the balls and that goddamn asshole. It does get a bit lonely. Sometimes you just need a little fresh air….
Q: Are you a sex addict? Would you describe yourself as such?
WW: Oh, God. Is he crying again?
Q: You said you were on the phone. Did you have phone sex with these women? Did you ever have an affair with one of these women?
WW: Ha! I wish!
Q: Did you have phone sex?
WW: Oh man, yeah it was all phone sex and stupid chats. Weiner has no game. None whatsoever. He’s not exactly an expert at sealing the deal. One minute it’s, “Oh baby, my cock is so hard for you,” the next he’s ranting about John Boner or something. Wait, why are you laughing? Did I say that wrong?
(Cross talk.)
Q: (Off mic) — but how can anybody trust you? I mean—
WW: That’s kind of why I’m looking to start over. Get out of Washington. Go to Hollywood. Do a little stand up. Get some recognition for my impressions. Check this one out: Al Pacino in Scarface, “Say hello to my little Weiner!”
(Cross talk.)
Q: These were young girls, very young, 21 years old—
WW : Aww, man what are you trying to do, get me aroused?
Q: —young enough to be your children.
WW: Great, you just killed my buzz. Thanks.
Q: Congressman, are you surprised by the reaction that your colleagues have had about this issue? There’s been a deafening silence from members of the New York delegation and other people who have not stepped forward while you were trying to claim your innocence.
WW: Such disloyalty. And to think, I sent them all such charming pictures!
Q: Did you take any more photos in your Capitol Hill office?
WW: A few. There’s this one where I’m wearing a little hat—
Q: So what’s your next step in rebuilding trust?
WW: Well, I’m looking to meet with all of my constituents, particularly the ladies. They can reach out to me on Twitter or Facebook.
(Cross talk.)
Q: What was your wife’s reaction, sir? Can you—
WW: Let me put it like this, it’s clear that she and I are not going to see each other for a little while and it’s a shame because I really liked her.
(Cross talk.)
Q: Can you explain what led to today? Why here? Why come out now and say it?
WW: This guy had sent my picture out so much that just about everybody was like, “Hey, that’s that Weiner I keep hearing about.” He couldn’t lie anymore. That’s why I think we should go to Hollywood. Strike while I’m still famous. While I’m still young and have these good looks.
(Cross talk.)
Q: Social media has characterized what you did as cheating. Is this a form of cheating? Were you just — was this a frat boy antic? Are you addicted to sexting?
WW: Like my man said, it was a “frivolous exchange among friends” in the pursuit of more substantial “frivolous exchanges among friends.” But apparently, when you get married, you can’t have such “frivolous exchanges among friends,” which I think is some bullshit.
(Cross talk.)
Q: (Inaudible) — social media is a realm where, you know, certitude, as you say, is not something that you can rely on. How do you know that these women are not underage or — you know, that these women are not being truthful about their own selves?
WW: And to think, Weiner was opposed to “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell.”
Q: How old did they tell you they were?
WW: As old as I wanted them to be.
(Cross talk.)
Q: But you were sexting complete strangers!
WW: Yeah, that was the point. Before you’re married it’s all sexy pictures and thrice-weekly rolls in the sheets. Now, me and the balls just sit there and often—through the gray shorts and toothpaste-stained sweatpants—I can hear the wife reminding Weiner to hurry up and wash the dishes so they can watch old episodes of Will & Grace. Doesn’t exactly get the blood flowing.
Q: Are you going to take down your Twitter account?
WW: Of course not; this will blow over. It’s still a great place to meet women.
Q: Did you promise anything to these women?
WW: Hard dick and bubble gum.
Q: Are you trying to have sex with other women? (Laughter.)
WW: Of course. Of course. That’s a given.
Q: Will you help to support Arnold Schwarzenegger’s love child?
WW: Naw, Arnold’s on his own.
Q: Were you fully erect?
WW: What? Man, don’t make me come down there and beat you in the head.
This piece was originally published on the PANK Magazine blog.
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Rion Amilcar Scott writes fiction all over the damn place. He wrote the short story collection, Insurrections. He is the satire editor of Queen Mob’s Teahouse and he apologizes for the above.